Your relationship is about the two of you. No one else.
"Nobody down the road has any right to apologize for something that happened in the past. This question comes up in the U.S. all the time. …(Like slavery,) it’s history. It’s all laid out. Why should anybody today apologize for anything that happened 150 years ago? It isn’t necessary. It’s giving somebody 150 years later a right to make this apology. No, they don’t have a right to make an apology."
-Morris ‘Dick’ Jeppson
Jeppson's perspective made me stop and think. I believe he's right. No one should be assigned to apologize for an entire country or an entire race or an entire gender. But just as importantly, no one should have to represent an entire country or race or gender to you.
I mentioned before about casting off stereotypical relationship roles because I believe for a relationship to work, it must be customized and personalized. Don't expect every girl you date to react in the same way when you bring her flowers. Don't presume your husband carries some of the blame for the patriarchal laws of the past. We can only be responsible for our own actions and only expect others to be responsible for theirs.
Judging a person by their gender or nationality or relationship role alone is a surefire way to sacrifice intimacy. If you lose sight of who the person your dating is and only focus on what that person is, you're in trouble. Because your relationship isn't between Ireland and the U.S. or between men and women, it's about you and your partner. That's all.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Tip #9
Explore the root of your emotions.
No one likes being told that their emotions stem from anything except their true feelings--especially women with PMS. But the truth of the matter is sometimes your emotions have been tampered with and may not reflect who you truly are.
For example, I am a terrible human being if I'm hungry. If I miss a meal, not only am I bitchier, I'm stupider, more impatient, and often downright mean. It's actually embarrassing how quickly my entire attitude changes after a few bites to eat. Should I find myself with my stomach grumbling and my demeanor souring, I have two choices: force my fiance to accept every irrational mood swing as legitimate or realize that my bad mood is exclusively due to my hunger and that I'm probably not really as angry as I think I am.
By unearthing the root of my anger and sharing my findings with my fiance, we've avoided a lot of fights. He doesn't take my negative emotions seriously if I'm hungry and I don't take offense at his lack of empathy. More importantly, this understanding means the both of us take my true negative feelings seriously. On occasions when I'm honestly angry and not just hungry, I know he will listen.
This goes both ways, of course.
He has put time and effort into learning when my anger is legitimate and when he shouldn't be bothered by it and I owe it to him to do the same. Thanks to the honest exploration of why we feel what we feel, we have far fewer altercations over misunderstandings.
No one likes being told that their emotions stem from anything except their true feelings--especially women with PMS. But the truth of the matter is sometimes your emotions have been tampered with and may not reflect who you truly are.
For example, I am a terrible human being if I'm hungry. If I miss a meal, not only am I bitchier, I'm stupider, more impatient, and often downright mean. It's actually embarrassing how quickly my entire attitude changes after a few bites to eat. Should I find myself with my stomach grumbling and my demeanor souring, I have two choices: force my fiance to accept every irrational mood swing as legitimate or realize that my bad mood is exclusively due to my hunger and that I'm probably not really as angry as I think I am.
By unearthing the root of my anger and sharing my findings with my fiance, we've avoided a lot of fights. He doesn't take my negative emotions seriously if I'm hungry and I don't take offense at his lack of empathy. More importantly, this understanding means the both of us take my true negative feelings seriously. On occasions when I'm honestly angry and not just hungry, I know he will listen.
This goes both ways, of course.
He has put time and effort into learning when my anger is legitimate and when he shouldn't be bothered by it and I owe it to him to do the same. Thanks to the honest exploration of why we feel what we feel, we have far fewer altercations over misunderstandings.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
