Tip #13

Take Your Time.

It often seems like women are impatient to get engaged when they're dating and then in a rush to have the wedding when they're engaged.

But if you truly intend to make your relationship a long-term one, there really doesn't need to be any urgency to tie the knot. Will it really make a difference if you get married in 3 years instead of one?

If you're worried that the will to get married will fade in 3 years, what do you think is going to happen to your will to BE married in 3 years?

Getting married should not be a goal. Not really. It should be a side-effect of a healthy long term relationship and the 'before' picture of that relationship should be as identical as possible to the 'after' picture.

I believe getting married doesn't change anything at the end of the day but your taxes.

It's tempting to believe that marriage will strengthen your relationship but in reality, if your relationship is weak to begin with, getting married will likely only exacerbate any problems. On the other hand, if your relationship is fairly stable to begin with, it won't really matter if you get married or not.

So take your time. No need to rush.

Keeping the Peace

I've been trolling through my long (loooooooooooong) list of favourited sites on Stumble Upon and discovered an old article on CNN.com called 10 Things to Say to Keep the Peace that was a source of some very simple but useful advice when dealing with lovers, friends, family, or mere acquaintances.

Here are a few of my favourites from the list:

2. "Is this a good time for you?"

Whenever I want my husband's full attention for a conversation and I don't want to compete with a football game on TV, I ask this simple question. If he gives me a green light by saying yes (and turning off the game), I proceed. If he says no, I ask, "When would be a better time?" We then agree on another time and a fight is avoided. Consider using this line at work, too. Your boss and coworkers will appreciate it.

5. "I need your help. Can you please...?"

People often ask me what they can say to family members or coworkers who don't assume their share of responsibility. Here's my simple tip: Rather than accusing the person of being lazy or inconsiderate, ask her for what you want and be specific. "Since we both drink coffee, how about if I make the pot and you clean it, or vice versa?" People are not mind readers.

6. "Let's wait on this until we have more information."

Know when to table a discussion. One couple came to me with a dispute that had turned into a huge problem for them: They were constantly arguing over whether they should stay in their city apartment or move to a house in the suburbs. The issue wasn't which choice they should make (they had already agreed they wouldn't move for three years, or until their oldest child reached school age); it was that they were having a premature argument. At times like these, it's important to remind yourself and your conversation partner that it's too early to discuss the issue. Preferences will change over time, as will facts, such as home prices.

7. "What did you mean by that?"

Sometimes asking the right question is all it takes to avoid an argument. We all make assumptions about other people's intentions. Asked in a genuinely interested (and not passive-aggressive) way, this question allows your conversation partner to explain himself before you jump to conclusions. Only then should you offer your response.

Tip #12

People can change.

TV dramas love to play up the myth that people never change but ask yourself this: Are you the same person you were five years ago? Ten?

Didn't think so.

People change all the time and all throughout their lives. They learn something new or they have an experience or someone asks something of them and it alters the way they approach reality. The problem lies in trying to change a person. It is possible. People better or worsen themselves every day after all. However, the only way change is permanent is if it is voluntary.

When I say it's possible to change someone, what I'm really saying is that it's possible to persuade them that changing is the best thing for them to do.

My fiance used to leave garbage just lying around. I used to reject trying any new hobby he suggested. He wasn't that concerned with cleanliness and I didn't like taking on new activities all the time. But now, he makes an effort to pick up after himself and I make an effort to give his suggestions a chance.

We changed for the other person in small ways and deep ways because we realized that the other person was worth more to us than sticking to a habit the other person took issue with. We don't change because we were demanded to, we changed because our relationship would ultimately be better for both of us if we did.

But forcing your partner to change will never work.

Attempts to force change leads to one of two results: Resentment that one partner doesn't accept the other for who he/she is. Or false change: a partner only changes to please the other and not out of any genuine wish to.

I've seen strong relationships crack in half due to such results.

If there is something about your partner you truly wish was different, first ask yourself a few questions:

• If I change this about my partner, will he/she be a fundamentally different person?

Asking your partner to change a part of themselves that they consider part of their identity tends not to end well. It's one thing to ask a person to try keeping a cleaner lifestyle, it's quite another to ask that they sacrifice their dream of becoming a lawyer because you disagree with it. If you need to make such drastic changes to the person you're dating, perhaps you're dating the wrong person.

• If my partner asked me to change this about myself, how would I feel?

If your answer is 'deeply hurt' or 'attacked' or 'appalled,' odds are he or she will feel the same way.

• Is it truly my partner who needs to change for me to be happy?

Or is it you? Be honest with yourself. When something about your partner bothers you, something may need to change, yes, but it may not be your partner. For example, my fiance loves video games and I find them a waste of time. But his playing them doesn't interfere with our relationship, so what right do I have to ask him to change?

However, I can change the way I perceive his playing them. I can control how much it bothers me and I can let it go.

Advice in Real Time

A Friend's Text to Me:

My boyfriend's best friend just bitched him out about everything I ever wanted to bitch him out for. Since I agree with what was said to him, must I console him anyway? - confused

My Reply:

Ask him if he thinks there's any truth in what his friend said and go from there. Just be honest with how you feel. Even if it may cause a disagreement now, in the future your relationship will be stronger because of it.

Tip #11

Your partner is not psychic.

Unless they are. But I've never been in a relationship with a psychic and I have a theory that most people haven't. So let's assume you and your partner both have the standard human amount of telepathic abilities.

Have you noticed that that doesn't stop you from getting angry when he or she can't read your mind?

I've snapped at my lover for not understanding why I'm angry and then only been angered further when he asked me to tell him (he should know). Or I've been sullen and untalkative, and infuriated that he hasn't noticed that I'm upset (he should realize that my tone of voice means I'm not really "Fine"). We all know what happens next: accusations, victimization, yelling, and, of course, tears.

I blame Romantic Comedies for this one, since they are full of beautiful people in love who somehow magically knowing what each other truly wants and needs. And of course, when they don't, it's merely a plot point for an argument that will eventually get resolved when one of them magically does the exact right thing. (A la Paulie Bleeker somehow just knowing without being told when Juno is giving birth and running to her side)

Yeah...

I'm not saying that such occurrences don't happen in real life. They do. But OCCASIONALLY. That's what makes it so special when a friend or a lover gets you that perfect gift you didn't ask for--it wouldn't be special if there was some law of chance or physics that decreed we'd all know exactly the right thing to say or do all the time.

Although asking for what you want or what you need may not sound quite as magical and romantic, it's how relationships get built. The more you pay attention to each other and listen and communicate, the more likely it is that those intimate moments of knowing exactly what the other person wants will happen.

They're a product of previous communications, not magic.