Wisdom from the Newspapers

Today, my fiance sent me this super interesting article by Tara Parker-Pope for The New York Times called The Happy Marriage Is the ‘Me’ Marriage.

Here's a clip summary brief selection thing:

"Dr. Aron and Gary W. Lewandowski Jr., a professor at Monmouth University in New Jersey, have studied how individuals use a relationship to accumulate knowledge and experiences, a process called “self-expansion.” Research shows that the more self-expansion people experience from their partner, the more committed and satisfied they are in the relationship."

The discoveries mentioned in this article weren't very shocking to my fiance or me, which is a good sign, since we've both invested ourselves in our own self-improvement. We've been lucky enough to find that we urge the other to improve and expand.

There are few people in your life that can push you to really expand yourself and see the world in new, unimagined ways. These people are precious and, whether you marry them or not, it always pays to cultivate your relationships with them.

Wisdom from The Cinderella Project

Recently, I've been swimming through the archives of The Cinderella Project, a gorgeous wedding blog, and came across this post. Here's a clip from it that really struck a chord with me:

"In the rush of planning a wedding and all the details that come along with it, it can be easy for us to get caught up in all the excitement (myself included). But let's not forget the reason of having a wedding in the first place - a wedding is one day, but a marriage is for a lifetime. If your fiance asked you to go down to City Hall the next day to get married, would you?

I hope so, because sometimes love is all you really need."

Well said.

Wisdom from Scrubs

"Relationships don’t work the way they do on television and in the movies: Will they, won’t they, and then they finally do and they’re happy forever - gimme a break. Nine out of ten of them end because they weren’t right for each other to begin with, and half the ones that get married get divorced anyway. And I’m telling you right now, through all this stuff, I have not become a cynic, I haven’t. Yes, I do happen to believe that love is mainly about pushing chocolate-covered candies and, you know, in some cultures, a chicken. You can call me a sucker, I don’t care, ‘cause I do…believe in it. Bottom line…is the couples that are truly right for each other wade through the same crap as everybody else, but the big difference is, they don’t let it take ‘em down."

-Dr. Cox, Scrubs

Wisdom from Nietzsche

"It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages."

-Friedrich Nietzsche

Tip #21

The couple that travels together (without murdering one another), stays together.

A friend of mine once told me he would never marry someone unless he and his prospective partner could drive across the country together, because that's the only way he can tell if they truly get along.

While I'm all for seeing how relationships hold up in life's stress tests, I'm not a huge fan of road trips. I'm more into trains and airplanes, and I'd say they work just as well.

This works on the same principle as my advice to live together for a while before getting married. You need to understand what it will be like to spend days, weeks, months with each other before promising eternity. I could be cynical about marriage no longer equaling eternity but I still think it's not to be treated lightly.

Being stuck in each other's proximity for the length of a trip is a good way to get a feel for your partner's idiosyncrasies and patience limit, and it will allow you to realize whether you can live with them or not.

Tip #20

Your relationship should satisfy your genes and your brain.

Your genes will always tell you to locate a mate that will help you create the healthiest babies.

Seriously, your body is hyper-programmed for this. A man whose immune system is very different than yours will actually smell better to your nose because the combination of your opposing immune systems will create children with better immune systems.

That's all well and good but we no longer live in an age where healthy offspring is the only goal of a successful relationship. The average lifespan continues to get older, which means it's very likely your marriage is going to last a looooong time after your kids fly the coop. But your genes aren't thinking about that.

This is where your brain comes in!

While your genes are certainly just doing what they think is best for your survival, your brain might be more reliable when it comes to your happiness.

Perhaps your genes will write a guy off because he's below average height (taller men are more predisposed to success and confidence apparently) but after you get to know him, you realize he's the funniest, sweetest guy you've ever met. No need to let your primitive instinct for survival rule him out.

Then occasionally, your genes and your brain steer you in the same direction.

For example, your genes don't want you to sleep with the smelly guy because they don't want you to have unhealthy children who are less likely to survive to continue your bloodline. And your brain tells you that if he smells funny, he likely doesn't have very good hygiene or a very clean lifestyle.

Both your brain and your genes have ideas of what will make your relationship successful, so make sure to listen to both.