Tip #13

Take Your Time.

It often seems like women are impatient to get engaged when they're dating and then in a rush to have the wedding when they're engaged.

But if you truly intend to make your relationship a long-term one, there really doesn't need to be any urgency to tie the knot. Will it really make a difference if you get married in 3 years instead of one?

If you're worried that the will to get married will fade in 3 years, what do you think is going to happen to your will to BE married in 3 years?

Getting married should not be a goal. Not really. It should be a side-effect of a healthy long term relationship and the 'before' picture of that relationship should be as identical as possible to the 'after' picture.

I believe getting married doesn't change anything at the end of the day but your taxes.

It's tempting to believe that marriage will strengthen your relationship but in reality, if your relationship is weak to begin with, getting married will likely only exacerbate any problems. On the other hand, if your relationship is fairly stable to begin with, it won't really matter if you get married or not.

So take your time. No need to rush.

Keeping the Peace

I've been trolling through my long (loooooooooooong) list of favourited sites on Stumble Upon and discovered an old article on CNN.com called 10 Things to Say to Keep the Peace that was a source of some very simple but useful advice when dealing with lovers, friends, family, or mere acquaintances.

Here are a few of my favourites from the list:

2. "Is this a good time for you?"

Whenever I want my husband's full attention for a conversation and I don't want to compete with a football game on TV, I ask this simple question. If he gives me a green light by saying yes (and turning off the game), I proceed. If he says no, I ask, "When would be a better time?" We then agree on another time and a fight is avoided. Consider using this line at work, too. Your boss and coworkers will appreciate it.

5. "I need your help. Can you please...?"

People often ask me what they can say to family members or coworkers who don't assume their share of responsibility. Here's my simple tip: Rather than accusing the person of being lazy or inconsiderate, ask her for what you want and be specific. "Since we both drink coffee, how about if I make the pot and you clean it, or vice versa?" People are not mind readers.

6. "Let's wait on this until we have more information."

Know when to table a discussion. One couple came to me with a dispute that had turned into a huge problem for them: They were constantly arguing over whether they should stay in their city apartment or move to a house in the suburbs. The issue wasn't which choice they should make (they had already agreed they wouldn't move for three years, or until their oldest child reached school age); it was that they were having a premature argument. At times like these, it's important to remind yourself and your conversation partner that it's too early to discuss the issue. Preferences will change over time, as will facts, such as home prices.

7. "What did you mean by that?"

Sometimes asking the right question is all it takes to avoid an argument. We all make assumptions about other people's intentions. Asked in a genuinely interested (and not passive-aggressive) way, this question allows your conversation partner to explain himself before you jump to conclusions. Only then should you offer your response.

Tip #12

People can change.

TV dramas love to play up the myth that people never change but ask yourself this: Are you the same person you were five years ago? Ten?

Didn't think so.

People change all the time and all throughout their lives. They learn something new or they have an experience or someone asks something of them and it alters the way they approach reality. The problem lies in trying to change a person. It is possible. People better or worsen themselves every day after all. However, the only way change is permanent is if it is voluntary.

When I say it's possible to change someone, what I'm really saying is that it's possible to persuade them that changing is the best thing for them to do.

My fiance used to leave garbage just lying around. I used to reject trying any new hobby he suggested. He wasn't that concerned with cleanliness and I didn't like taking on new activities all the time. But now, he makes an effort to pick up after himself and I make an effort to give his suggestions a chance.

We changed for the other person in small ways and deep ways because we realized that the other person was worth more to us than sticking to a habit the other person took issue with. We don't change because we were demanded to, we changed because our relationship would ultimately be better for both of us if we did.

But forcing your partner to change will never work.

Attempts to force change leads to one of two results: Resentment that one partner doesn't accept the other for who he/she is. Or false change: a partner only changes to please the other and not out of any genuine wish to.

I've seen strong relationships crack in half due to such results.

If there is something about your partner you truly wish was different, first ask yourself a few questions:

• If I change this about my partner, will he/she be a fundamentally different person?

Asking your partner to change a part of themselves that they consider part of their identity tends not to end well. It's one thing to ask a person to try keeping a cleaner lifestyle, it's quite another to ask that they sacrifice their dream of becoming a lawyer because you disagree with it. If you need to make such drastic changes to the person you're dating, perhaps you're dating the wrong person.

• If my partner asked me to change this about myself, how would I feel?

If your answer is 'deeply hurt' or 'attacked' or 'appalled,' odds are he or she will feel the same way.

• Is it truly my partner who needs to change for me to be happy?

Or is it you? Be honest with yourself. When something about your partner bothers you, something may need to change, yes, but it may not be your partner. For example, my fiance loves video games and I find them a waste of time. But his playing them doesn't interfere with our relationship, so what right do I have to ask him to change?

However, I can change the way I perceive his playing them. I can control how much it bothers me and I can let it go.

Advice in Real Time

A Friend's Text to Me:

My boyfriend's best friend just bitched him out about everything I ever wanted to bitch him out for. Since I agree with what was said to him, must I console him anyway? - confused

My Reply:

Ask him if he thinks there's any truth in what his friend said and go from there. Just be honest with how you feel. Even if it may cause a disagreement now, in the future your relationship will be stronger because of it.

Tip #11

Your partner is not psychic.

Unless they are. But I've never been in a relationship with a psychic and I have a theory that most people haven't. So let's assume you and your partner both have the standard human amount of telepathic abilities.

Have you noticed that that doesn't stop you from getting angry when he or she can't read your mind?

I've snapped at my lover for not understanding why I'm angry and then only been angered further when he asked me to tell him (he should know). Or I've been sullen and untalkative, and infuriated that he hasn't noticed that I'm upset (he should realize that my tone of voice means I'm not really "Fine"). We all know what happens next: accusations, victimization, yelling, and, of course, tears.

I blame Romantic Comedies for this one, since they are full of beautiful people in love who somehow magically knowing what each other truly wants and needs. And of course, when they don't, it's merely a plot point for an argument that will eventually get resolved when one of them magically does the exact right thing. (A la Paulie Bleeker somehow just knowing without being told when Juno is giving birth and running to her side)

Yeah...

I'm not saying that such occurrences don't happen in real life. They do. But OCCASIONALLY. That's what makes it so special when a friend or a lover gets you that perfect gift you didn't ask for--it wouldn't be special if there was some law of chance or physics that decreed we'd all know exactly the right thing to say or do all the time.

Although asking for what you want or what you need may not sound quite as magical and romantic, it's how relationships get built. The more you pay attention to each other and listen and communicate, the more likely it is that those intimate moments of knowing exactly what the other person wants will happen.

They're a product of previous communications, not magic.

Tip #10

Your relationship is about the two of you. No one else.

"Nobody down the road has any right to apologize for something that happened in the past. This question comes up in the U.S. all the time. …(Like slavery,) it’s history. It’s all laid out. Why should anybody today apologize for anything that happened 150 years ago? It isn’t necessary. It’s giving somebody 150 years later a right to make this apology. No, they don’t have a right to make an apology."

-Morris ‘Dick’ Jeppson

Jeppson's perspective made me stop and think. I believe he's right. No one should be assigned to apologize for an entire country or an entire race or an entire gender. But just as importantly, no one should have to represent an entire country or race or gender to you.

I mentioned before about casting off stereotypical relationship roles because I believe for a relationship to work, it must be customized and personalized. Don't expect every girl you date to react in the same way when you bring her flowers. Don't presume your husband carries some of the blame for the patriarchal laws of the past. We can only be responsible for our own actions and only expect others to be responsible for theirs.

Judging a person by their gender or nationality or relationship role alone is a surefire way to sacrifice intimacy. If you lose sight of who the person your dating is and only focus on what that person is, you're in trouble. Because your relationship isn't between Ireland and the U.S. or between men and women, it's about you and your partner. That's all.

Tip #9

Explore the root of your emotions.

No one likes being told that their emotions stem from anything except their true feelings--especially women with PMS. But the truth of the matter is sometimes your emotions have been tampered with and may not reflect who you truly are.

For example, I am a terrible human being if I'm hungry. If I miss a meal, not only am I bitchier, I'm stupider, more impatient, and often downright mean. It's actually embarrassing how quickly my entire attitude changes after a few bites to eat. Should I find myself with my stomach grumbling and my demeanor souring, I have two choices: force my fiance to accept every irrational mood swing as legitimate or realize that my bad mood is exclusively due to my hunger and that I'm probably not really as angry as I think I am.

By unearthing the root of my anger and sharing my findings with my fiance, we've avoided a lot of fights. He doesn't take my negative emotions seriously if I'm hungry and I don't take offense at his lack of empathy. More importantly, this understanding means the both of us take my true negative feelings seriously. On occasions when I'm honestly angry and not just hungry, I know he will listen.

This goes both ways, of course.

He has put time and effort into learning when my anger is legitimate and when he shouldn't be bothered by it and I owe it to him to do the same. Thanks to the honest exploration of why we feel what we feel, we have far fewer altercations over misunderstandings.

Tip #8

A good sex life is more than good sex.

I'd wager that talking about sex is more important than actually having it. Talk before sex, talk after it, talk during it, talk about it when you're not even thinking about jumping into bed. The more comfortable you are talking about sex with your partner, the more comfortable you'll feel having sex with your partner.

That extends to porn too. I once read an article about a man who looks at internet porn being found out by his wife and all the ensuing drama (she feels he shouldn't need it, he doesn't think it's a big deal, yada yada yada)...but all I could think about was, "Had they really never discussed porn before?"

Welcome to 2010! Everyone of every gender and every sexuality and almost every age has access to internet pornography and you would be hard pressed to find someone who hasn't taken at least one little peek. Even your partner.

Being honest about porn habits will bring any couple closer together. And watching porn together is a fun bonding experience you won't want to forgo. ;)

Tip #7

Ignore the roles.

It's very easy to get caught in the relationship roles you see in all over the media. The guy brings the girl flowers. The girl gets annoyed when the guy talks to other girls. The guy pays for dinner. The girl wants to get married.

Screw that. Buy him flowers for once. Don't get trapped into thinking relationship duties are divided into his and hers. Both partners need to be attentive, loving, and honest with themselves and each other, but aside from that, anything goes!

Being in a relationship should never mean changing who you are to fit the role of "girlfriend" or "husband."

Tip #6

Love isn't all you need. And that's OKAY.

"Aren’t you funny? Don’t you know that a man being rich is like a girl being pretty? You might not marry a girl because she’s pretty, but my goodness, doesn’t it help? And if you had a daughter, wouldn’t you rather she didn’t marry a poor man? You’d want her to have the most wonderful things in the world and be very happy. Oh, why is it wrong for ME to want those things?"

This is my favourite quote by Marilyn Monroe’s character Lorelei Lee in Gentlemen Prefer Blondes, which is one of my favourite movies. To date I’ve watched it in New York, New Jersey, Ireland, and India.

Marilyn hated being typecast as the dumb blonde in movies so when her character—who acts ditzy but is actually pretty clever—makes this speech at the end, it’s almost as though Marilyn herself is shining through and revealing the layers beneath her own appearance.

It also makes a damn good point. People are so often pigeon-holed as shallow for wanting to marry someone wealthy, but face the facts: if two men have the same personalities but one has a comfortable lifestyle and monetary security while the other doesn’t, Mr Steady Income IS more attractive.

I think it might be pervasive religious guilt that tells people not to take money into consideration when judging prospective partners, but in reality, money issues tear people apart. We all want to be taken care of and no one wants to tie themselves to dead weight.

Part of the reason I'm so willing to spend the rest of my life with my fiance is because he has ambition. He intends to make money and to earn prestige, which is excellent as I plan to do the same thing.