Showing posts with label fight. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fight. Show all posts
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Tip #9
Explore the root of your emotions.
No one likes being told that their emotions stem from anything except their true feelings--especially women with PMS. But the truth of the matter is sometimes your emotions have been tampered with and may not reflect who you truly are.
For example, I am a terrible human being if I'm hungry. If I miss a meal, not only am I bitchier, I'm stupider, more impatient, and often downright mean. It's actually embarrassing how quickly my entire attitude changes after a few bites to eat. Should I find myself with my stomach grumbling and my demeanor souring, I have two choices: force my fiance to accept every irrational mood swing as legitimate or realize that my bad mood is exclusively due to my hunger and that I'm probably not really as angry as I think I am.
By unearthing the root of my anger and sharing my findings with my fiance, we've avoided a lot of fights. He doesn't take my negative emotions seriously if I'm hungry and I don't take offense at his lack of empathy. More importantly, this understanding means the both of us take my true negative feelings seriously. On occasions when I'm honestly angry and not just hungry, I know he will listen.
This goes both ways, of course.
He has put time and effort into learning when my anger is legitimate and when he shouldn't be bothered by it and I owe it to him to do the same. Thanks to the honest exploration of why we feel what we feel, we have far fewer altercations over misunderstandings.
No one likes being told that their emotions stem from anything except their true feelings--especially women with PMS. But the truth of the matter is sometimes your emotions have been tampered with and may not reflect who you truly are.
For example, I am a terrible human being if I'm hungry. If I miss a meal, not only am I bitchier, I'm stupider, more impatient, and often downright mean. It's actually embarrassing how quickly my entire attitude changes after a few bites to eat. Should I find myself with my stomach grumbling and my demeanor souring, I have two choices: force my fiance to accept every irrational mood swing as legitimate or realize that my bad mood is exclusively due to my hunger and that I'm probably not really as angry as I think I am.
By unearthing the root of my anger and sharing my findings with my fiance, we've avoided a lot of fights. He doesn't take my negative emotions seriously if I'm hungry and I don't take offense at his lack of empathy. More importantly, this understanding means the both of us take my true negative feelings seriously. On occasions when I'm honestly angry and not just hungry, I know he will listen.
This goes both ways, of course.
He has put time and effort into learning when my anger is legitimate and when he shouldn't be bothered by it and I owe it to him to do the same. Thanks to the honest exploration of why we feel what we feel, we have far fewer altercations over misunderstandings.
Monday, February 8, 2010
Tip #3
You don't always have to win.
Like most women in their twenties, I view myself as an independent diva who won't compromise what she wants or who she is.
Unfortunately, I decided that meant not doing anything my boyfriend-now-fiance asked of me. Whether it was seeing a certain movie or trying a certain sex move, if I even had an iota of reluctance, I immediately decided that saying OK was akin to giving in or losing. Why should I let him push me around?
Needless to say, he ended up pretty frustrated with me and I can see why; although I thought if I changed for him I was just another woman changing herself for a man, I had no qualms about demanding that he change for me. That's not equality of the sexes at all, is it?
Besides, nobody likes people who perpetually victimize themselves.
A successful relationship is a busy two-way street. Saying "Yes" or even "Okay, I'll try that" more has not only led me to expand my interests and push my limits, it has freed me to ask for what I want more honestly. And saying OK doesn't mean that I always end up enjoying myself. I don't like anal sex or playing video games, but I know it means a lot to him that I tried them at least once for his sake.
Even though I concluded I didn't really want to do those again, there is a level of trust now that allows us to look at each other and know that the other is genuinely willing to try something new or unfamiliar (or even scary) for our sake. That knowledge is worth a bit of boredom or discomfort.
DISCLAIMER: When trying something new at your lover's urging, be honest with yourself. If you hate it, at least now you know for sure. But more importantly, be open to liking it. Trying something new is a useless exercise if you decided beforehand that you would hate doing whatever was asked of you (regardless of whether you end up enjoying yourself or not).
DISCLAIMER #2: If your lover keeps asking you for something that you've tried and felt uncomfortable doing, put your foot down. He/she needs to accept that you gave it your best shot and respect your feelings...or he/she needs to hit the road.
Like most women in their twenties, I view myself as an independent diva who won't compromise what she wants or who she is.
Unfortunately, I decided that meant not doing anything my boyfriend-now-fiance asked of me. Whether it was seeing a certain movie or trying a certain sex move, if I even had an iota of reluctance, I immediately decided that saying OK was akin to giving in or losing. Why should I let him push me around?
Needless to say, he ended up pretty frustrated with me and I can see why; although I thought if I changed for him I was just another woman changing herself for a man, I had no qualms about demanding that he change for me. That's not equality of the sexes at all, is it?
Besides, nobody likes people who perpetually victimize themselves.
A successful relationship is a busy two-way street. Saying "Yes" or even "Okay, I'll try that" more has not only led me to expand my interests and push my limits, it has freed me to ask for what I want more honestly. And saying OK doesn't mean that I always end up enjoying myself. I don't like anal sex or playing video games, but I know it means a lot to him that I tried them at least once for his sake.
Even though I concluded I didn't really want to do those again, there is a level of trust now that allows us to look at each other and know that the other is genuinely willing to try something new or unfamiliar (or even scary) for our sake. That knowledge is worth a bit of boredom or discomfort.
DISCLAIMER: When trying something new at your lover's urging, be honest with yourself. If you hate it, at least now you know for sure. But more importantly, be open to liking it. Trying something new is a useless exercise if you decided beforehand that you would hate doing whatever was asked of you (regardless of whether you end up enjoying yourself or not).
DISCLAIMER #2: If your lover keeps asking you for something that you've tried and felt uncomfortable doing, put your foot down. He/she needs to accept that you gave it your best shot and respect your feelings...or he/she needs to hit the road.
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