Wisdom from The Cinderella Project

Recently, I've been swimming through the archives of The Cinderella Project, a gorgeous wedding blog, and came across this post. Here's a clip from it that really struck a chord with me:

"In the rush of planning a wedding and all the details that come along with it, it can be easy for us to get caught up in all the excitement (myself included). But let's not forget the reason of having a wedding in the first place - a wedding is one day, but a marriage is for a lifetime. If your fiance asked you to go down to City Hall the next day to get married, would you?

I hope so, because sometimes love is all you really need."

Well said.

Tip #21

The couple that travels together (without murdering one another), stays together.

A friend of mine once told me he would never marry someone unless he and his prospective partner could drive across the country together, because that's the only way he can tell if they truly get along.

While I'm all for seeing how relationships hold up in life's stress tests, I'm not a huge fan of road trips. I'm more into trains and airplanes, and I'd say they work just as well.

This works on the same principle as my advice to live together for a while before getting married. You need to understand what it will be like to spend days, weeks, months with each other before promising eternity. I could be cynical about marriage no longer equaling eternity but I still think it's not to be treated lightly.

Being stuck in each other's proximity for the length of a trip is a good way to get a feel for your partner's idiosyncrasies and patience limit, and it will allow you to realize whether you can live with them or not.

From the Fiance

My fiance recently fired off this relationship advice to a friend on Facebook and it's worth sharing:

"We can never ignore people's weaknesses, the only option we have is to hope to inspire them to take them on for their own sake. We can wish indefinitely for a new person to rise out of an existing one, or we can convince the other that it is not just our interest but also theirs to do so. If they do not believe us, either our perception is wrong or they are in denial of their weakness.

If you conclude your perception to be right in spite of the frustration, then you have to stand for yourself and remind the other as to what you know they are capable of, not simply remind them of your opposition to what they currently are.

People want to improve, but it is how we address each other's flaws to one another that either motivates or paralyzes us in regards to action."

Tip #15

Be honest with your friends.

I learned recently that my best friend apparently "can't stand" my fiance and while I'm used to taking her brutal honesty with salt, the thing is, she wasn't honest.

My fiance accidentally read a text message from my best friend meant for another girl. To rub it in, she sent this message while hanging out and talking with my fiance.

For a girl who can tell me to my face that I look stupid or that I'm embarrassing her, I'm somewhat baffled and hurt by such a two-faced action. Why wouldn't she just talk to me about her issues with my fiance?

I've certainly done my best to be honest with her about my opinions on her romantic interests. I assumed I was receiving the same level of honesty in return and it's a little stunning that I wasn't.

While no one has the right to directly tell you who or who not to date, you should always be open to the opinions of friends and family. After all, those closest to you might have some good advice or a perspective that hadn't occurred to you.

It also brings you and your friend closer, as you get the chance to demonstrate to each other that your friendship will last through any romantic ventures (successful or failed).

Tip #12

People can change.

TV dramas love to play up the myth that people never change but ask yourself this: Are you the same person you were five years ago? Ten?

Didn't think so.

People change all the time and all throughout their lives. They learn something new or they have an experience or someone asks something of them and it alters the way they approach reality. The problem lies in trying to change a person. It is possible. People better or worsen themselves every day after all. However, the only way change is permanent is if it is voluntary.

When I say it's possible to change someone, what I'm really saying is that it's possible to persuade them that changing is the best thing for them to do.

My fiance used to leave garbage just lying around. I used to reject trying any new hobby he suggested. He wasn't that concerned with cleanliness and I didn't like taking on new activities all the time. But now, he makes an effort to pick up after himself and I make an effort to give his suggestions a chance.

We changed for the other person in small ways and deep ways because we realized that the other person was worth more to us than sticking to a habit the other person took issue with. We don't change because we were demanded to, we changed because our relationship would ultimately be better for both of us if we did.

But forcing your partner to change will never work.

Attempts to force change leads to one of two results: Resentment that one partner doesn't accept the other for who he/she is. Or false change: a partner only changes to please the other and not out of any genuine wish to.

I've seen strong relationships crack in half due to such results.

If there is something about your partner you truly wish was different, first ask yourself a few questions:

• If I change this about my partner, will he/she be a fundamentally different person?

Asking your partner to change a part of themselves that they consider part of their identity tends not to end well. It's one thing to ask a person to try keeping a cleaner lifestyle, it's quite another to ask that they sacrifice their dream of becoming a lawyer because you disagree with it. If you need to make such drastic changes to the person you're dating, perhaps you're dating the wrong person.

• If my partner asked me to change this about myself, how would I feel?

If your answer is 'deeply hurt' or 'attacked' or 'appalled,' odds are he or she will feel the same way.

• Is it truly my partner who needs to change for me to be happy?

Or is it you? Be honest with yourself. When something about your partner bothers you, something may need to change, yes, but it may not be your partner. For example, my fiance loves video games and I find them a waste of time. But his playing them doesn't interfere with our relationship, so what right do I have to ask him to change?

However, I can change the way I perceive his playing them. I can control how much it bothers me and I can let it go.

Tip #9

Explore the root of your emotions.

No one likes being told that their emotions stem from anything except their true feelings--especially women with PMS. But the truth of the matter is sometimes your emotions have been tampered with and may not reflect who you truly are.

For example, I am a terrible human being if I'm hungry. If I miss a meal, not only am I bitchier, I'm stupider, more impatient, and often downright mean. It's actually embarrassing how quickly my entire attitude changes after a few bites to eat. Should I find myself with my stomach grumbling and my demeanor souring, I have two choices: force my fiance to accept every irrational mood swing as legitimate or realize that my bad mood is exclusively due to my hunger and that I'm probably not really as angry as I think I am.

By unearthing the root of my anger and sharing my findings with my fiance, we've avoided a lot of fights. He doesn't take my negative emotions seriously if I'm hungry and I don't take offense at his lack of empathy. More importantly, this understanding means the both of us take my true negative feelings seriously. On occasions when I'm honestly angry and not just hungry, I know he will listen.

This goes both ways, of course.

He has put time and effort into learning when my anger is legitimate and when he shouldn't be bothered by it and I owe it to him to do the same. Thanks to the honest exploration of why we feel what we feel, we have far fewer altercations over misunderstandings.

Tip #1

Don't take it personally.

She forgot to call you. He would rather spend tonight alone. She just doesn't like to play video games. He really has no interest in watching her favourite tv show with her. Any and all of these are fine fodder for a fight.

But they don't have to be. Try to realize that just because you're with someone, it doesn't mean that every decision they make is going to concern you. My fiance was stressed tonight and decided to spend some me-time at home instead of coming over and sleeping at my place like he usually does. I could get upset and wonder if he really just didn't want to see me and maybe I did something wrong...or I could say, "No problem. Maybe I'll see you tomorrow."

After all, I have days when I want to be alone too.