Wisdom from the Newspapers

Today, my fiance sent me this super interesting article by Tara Parker-Pope for The New York Times called The Happy Marriage Is the ‘Me’ Marriage.

Here's a clip summary brief selection thing:

"Dr. Aron and Gary W. Lewandowski Jr., a professor at Monmouth University in New Jersey, have studied how individuals use a relationship to accumulate knowledge and experiences, a process called “self-expansion.” Research shows that the more self-expansion people experience from their partner, the more committed and satisfied they are in the relationship."

The discoveries mentioned in this article weren't very shocking to my fiance or me, which is a good sign, since we've both invested ourselves in our own self-improvement. We've been lucky enough to find that we urge the other to improve and expand.

There are few people in your life that can push you to really expand yourself and see the world in new, unimagined ways. These people are precious and, whether you marry them or not, it always pays to cultivate your relationships with them.

Wisdom from The Cinderella Project

Recently, I've been swimming through the archives of The Cinderella Project, a gorgeous wedding blog, and came across this post. Here's a clip from it that really struck a chord with me:

"In the rush of planning a wedding and all the details that come along with it, it can be easy for us to get caught up in all the excitement (myself included). But let's not forget the reason of having a wedding in the first place - a wedding is one day, but a marriage is for a lifetime. If your fiance asked you to go down to City Hall the next day to get married, would you?

I hope so, because sometimes love is all you really need."

Well said.

Keeping the Peace

I've been trolling through my long (loooooooooooong) list of favourited sites on Stumble Upon and discovered an old article on CNN.com called 10 Things to Say to Keep the Peace that was a source of some very simple but useful advice when dealing with lovers, friends, family, or mere acquaintances.

Here are a few of my favourites from the list:

2. "Is this a good time for you?"

Whenever I want my husband's full attention for a conversation and I don't want to compete with a football game on TV, I ask this simple question. If he gives me a green light by saying yes (and turning off the game), I proceed. If he says no, I ask, "When would be a better time?" We then agree on another time and a fight is avoided. Consider using this line at work, too. Your boss and coworkers will appreciate it.

5. "I need your help. Can you please...?"

People often ask me what they can say to family members or coworkers who don't assume their share of responsibility. Here's my simple tip: Rather than accusing the person of being lazy or inconsiderate, ask her for what you want and be specific. "Since we both drink coffee, how about if I make the pot and you clean it, or vice versa?" People are not mind readers.

6. "Let's wait on this until we have more information."

Know when to table a discussion. One couple came to me with a dispute that had turned into a huge problem for them: They were constantly arguing over whether they should stay in their city apartment or move to a house in the suburbs. The issue wasn't which choice they should make (they had already agreed they wouldn't move for three years, or until their oldest child reached school age); it was that they were having a premature argument. At times like these, it's important to remind yourself and your conversation partner that it's too early to discuss the issue. Preferences will change over time, as will facts, such as home prices.

7. "What did you mean by that?"

Sometimes asking the right question is all it takes to avoid an argument. We all make assumptions about other people's intentions. Asked in a genuinely interested (and not passive-aggressive) way, this question allows your conversation partner to explain himself before you jump to conclusions. Only then should you offer your response.

Advice in Real Time

A Friend's Text to Me:

My boyfriend's best friend just bitched him out about everything I ever wanted to bitch him out for. Since I agree with what was said to him, must I console him anyway? - confused

My Reply:

Ask him if he thinks there's any truth in what his friend said and go from there. Just be honest with how you feel. Even if it may cause a disagreement now, in the future your relationship will be stronger because of it.

Tip #8

A good sex life is more than good sex.

I'd wager that talking about sex is more important than actually having it. Talk before sex, talk after it, talk during it, talk about it when you're not even thinking about jumping into bed. The more comfortable you are talking about sex with your partner, the more comfortable you'll feel having sex with your partner.

That extends to porn too. I once read an article about a man who looks at internet porn being found out by his wife and all the ensuing drama (she feels he shouldn't need it, he doesn't think it's a big deal, yada yada yada)...but all I could think about was, "Had they really never discussed porn before?"

Welcome to 2010! Everyone of every gender and every sexuality and almost every age has access to internet pornography and you would be hard pressed to find someone who hasn't taken at least one little peek. Even your partner.

Being honest about porn habits will bring any couple closer together. And watching porn together is a fun bonding experience you won't want to forgo. ;)