From the Fiance

My fiance recently fired off this relationship advice to a friend on Facebook and it's worth sharing:

"We can never ignore people's weaknesses, the only option we have is to hope to inspire them to take them on for their own sake. We can wish indefinitely for a new person to rise out of an existing one, or we can convince the other that it is not just our interest but also theirs to do so. If they do not believe us, either our perception is wrong or they are in denial of their weakness.

If you conclude your perception to be right in spite of the frustration, then you have to stand for yourself and remind the other as to what you know they are capable of, not simply remind them of your opposition to what they currently are.

People want to improve, but it is how we address each other's flaws to one another that either motivates or paralyzes us in regards to action."

Tip #12

People can change.

TV dramas love to play up the myth that people never change but ask yourself this: Are you the same person you were five years ago? Ten?

Didn't think so.

People change all the time and all throughout their lives. They learn something new or they have an experience or someone asks something of them and it alters the way they approach reality. The problem lies in trying to change a person. It is possible. People better or worsen themselves every day after all. However, the only way change is permanent is if it is voluntary.

When I say it's possible to change someone, what I'm really saying is that it's possible to persuade them that changing is the best thing for them to do.

My fiance used to leave garbage just lying around. I used to reject trying any new hobby he suggested. He wasn't that concerned with cleanliness and I didn't like taking on new activities all the time. But now, he makes an effort to pick up after himself and I make an effort to give his suggestions a chance.

We changed for the other person in small ways and deep ways because we realized that the other person was worth more to us than sticking to a habit the other person took issue with. We don't change because we were demanded to, we changed because our relationship would ultimately be better for both of us if we did.

But forcing your partner to change will never work.

Attempts to force change leads to one of two results: Resentment that one partner doesn't accept the other for who he/she is. Or false change: a partner only changes to please the other and not out of any genuine wish to.

I've seen strong relationships crack in half due to such results.

If there is something about your partner you truly wish was different, first ask yourself a few questions:

• If I change this about my partner, will he/she be a fundamentally different person?

Asking your partner to change a part of themselves that they consider part of their identity tends not to end well. It's one thing to ask a person to try keeping a cleaner lifestyle, it's quite another to ask that they sacrifice their dream of becoming a lawyer because you disagree with it. If you need to make such drastic changes to the person you're dating, perhaps you're dating the wrong person.

• If my partner asked me to change this about myself, how would I feel?

If your answer is 'deeply hurt' or 'attacked' or 'appalled,' odds are he or she will feel the same way.

• Is it truly my partner who needs to change for me to be happy?

Or is it you? Be honest with yourself. When something about your partner bothers you, something may need to change, yes, but it may not be your partner. For example, my fiance loves video games and I find them a waste of time. But his playing them doesn't interfere with our relationship, so what right do I have to ask him to change?

However, I can change the way I perceive his playing them. I can control how much it bothers me and I can let it go.

Tip #3

You don't always have to win.

Like most women in their twenties, I view myself as an independent diva who won't compromise what she wants or who she is.

Unfortunately, I decided that meant not doing anything my boyfriend-now-fiance asked of me. Whether it was seeing a certain movie or trying a certain sex move, if I even had an iota of reluctance, I immediately decided that saying OK was akin to giving in or losing. Why should I let him push me around?

Needless to say, he ended up pretty frustrated with me and I can see why; although I thought if I changed for him I was just another woman changing herself for a man, I had no qualms about demanding that he change for me. That's not equality of the sexes at all, is it?

Besides, nobody likes people who perpetually victimize themselves.

A successful relationship is a busy two-way street. Saying "Yes" or even "Okay, I'll try that" more has not only led me to expand my interests and push my limits, it has freed me to ask for what I want more honestly. And saying OK doesn't mean that I always end up enjoying myself. I don't like anal sex or playing video games, but I know it means a lot to him that I tried them at least once for his sake.

Even though I concluded I didn't really want to do those again, there is a level of trust now that allows us to look at each other and know that the other is genuinely willing to try something new or unfamiliar (or even scary) for our sake. That knowledge is worth a bit of boredom or discomfort.

DISCLAIMER: When trying something new at your lover's urging, be honest with yourself. If you hate it, at least now you know for sure. But more importantly, be open to liking it. Trying something new is a useless exercise if you decided beforehand that you would hate doing whatever was asked of you (regardless of whether you end up enjoying yourself or not).

DISCLAIMER #2: If your lover keeps asking you for something that you've tried and felt uncomfortable doing, put your foot down. He/she needs to accept that you gave it your best shot and respect your feelings...or he/she needs to hit the road.