Recently, I've been swimming through the archives of The Cinderella Project, a gorgeous wedding blog, and came across this post. Here's a clip from it that really struck a chord with me:
"In the rush of planning a wedding and all the details that come along with it, it can be easy for us to get caught up in all the excitement (myself included). But let's not forget the reason of having a wedding in the first place - a wedding is one day, but a marriage is for a lifetime. If your fiance asked you to go down to City Hall the next day to get married, would you?
I hope so, because sometimes love is all you really need."
Well said.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Friday, November 5, 2010
Naked Unoriginality
Ok…
I liked Buffy the Vampire Slayer back when it wasn’t cool to be into vampires. And in the last few years, it’s become clear to me that popular vampire stories can have a myriad of plots but only one understanding of how relationships work.
Let’s recap.
We have THE GIRL…
It doesn’t matter that Buffy is a confident, evil-fighting hero and that Bella is a needy dimwit without a personality; they both play the exact same role of THE GIRL.
They have something “special” about them that makes them different from every other girl and that causes vampires to treat them differently—Buffy is the Vampire Slayer, Sookie is a psychic, vampire powers don’t affect Bella, and Elena’s doppelganger is a centuries old evil vampire.
Then we have THE TORTURED SOUL…
This is the vampire who believes loving THE GIRL is selfish and unfair to her. He spends much of his time brooding over his existence.
His relationship with THE GIRL will always, without fail, be a tug of war between feelings they can’t deny and pain. He always ends up hurting her but both will believe that theirs is true love anyway.
Then there’s THE OTHER SUPERNATURAL LOVE INTEREST…
After THE TORTURED SOUL flees from THE GIRL for whatever reason (likely a desperate quest to brood over his sins), THE OTHER LOVE INTEREST will be there to tempt THE GIRL, who will inevitably keep both men in a limbo where she yanks both of them along.
THE OTHER SUPERNATURAL LOVE INTEREST always tends to be better for THE GIRL in some way, but it’s inevitable that she’ll choose THE TORTURED SOUL over him eventually.
Consequently, both THE TORTURED SOUL and THE OTHER SUPERNATURAL LOVE INTEREST become much more interesting people and characters when they’re not trailing after THE GIRL like whipped dogs.
And this entire cliched trope thrives all because girls consuming these stories want to close their eyes and pretend they’re THE GIRL and that two men—one dark but responsible, one loyal but wild—with hot looks that never fade will treat her like she’s the only girl in the world.
And this is what sells.
Come on, ladies. This fantasy was fun in high school but I think it’s time to grow up and build some real romantic relationships.
I liked Buffy the Vampire Slayer back when it wasn’t cool to be into vampires. And in the last few years, it’s become clear to me that popular vampire stories can have a myriad of plots but only one understanding of how relationships work.
Let’s recap.
We have THE GIRL…
It doesn’t matter that Buffy is a confident, evil-fighting hero and that Bella is a needy dimwit without a personality; they both play the exact same role of THE GIRL.
They have something “special” about them that makes them different from every other girl and that causes vampires to treat them differently—Buffy is the Vampire Slayer, Sookie is a psychic, vampire powers don’t affect Bella, and Elena’s doppelganger is a centuries old evil vampire.
Then we have THE TORTURED SOUL…
This is the vampire who believes loving THE GIRL is selfish and unfair to her. He spends much of his time brooding over his existence.
His relationship with THE GIRL will always, without fail, be a tug of war between feelings they can’t deny and pain. He always ends up hurting her but both will believe that theirs is true love anyway.
Then there’s THE OTHER SUPERNATURAL LOVE INTEREST…
After THE TORTURED SOUL flees from THE GIRL for whatever reason (likely a desperate quest to brood over his sins), THE OTHER LOVE INTEREST will be there to tempt THE GIRL, who will inevitably keep both men in a limbo where she yanks both of them along.
THE OTHER SUPERNATURAL LOVE INTEREST always tends to be better for THE GIRL in some way, but it’s inevitable that she’ll choose THE TORTURED SOUL over him eventually.
Consequently, both THE TORTURED SOUL and THE OTHER SUPERNATURAL LOVE INTEREST become much more interesting people and characters when they’re not trailing after THE GIRL like whipped dogs.
And this entire cliched trope thrives all because girls consuming these stories want to close their eyes and pretend they’re THE GIRL and that two men—one dark but responsible, one loyal but wild—with hot looks that never fade will treat her like she’s the only girl in the world.
And this is what sells.
Come on, ladies. This fantasy was fun in high school but I think it’s time to grow up and build some real romantic relationships.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Wisdom from Scrubs
"Relationships don’t work the way they do on television and in the movies: Will they, won’t they, and then they finally do and they’re happy forever - gimme a break. Nine out of ten of them end because they weren’t right for each other to begin with, and half the ones that get married get divorced anyway. And I’m telling you right now, through all this stuff, I have not become a cynic, I haven’t. Yes, I do happen to believe that love is mainly about pushing chocolate-covered candies and, you know, in some cultures, a chicken. You can call me a sucker, I don’t care, ‘cause I do…believe in it. Bottom line…is the couples that are truly right for each other wade through the same crap as everybody else, but the big difference is, they don’t let it take ‘em down."
-Dr. Cox, Scrubs
-Dr. Cox, Scrubs
Friday, October 15, 2010
Wisdom from Nietzsche
"It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages."
-Friedrich Nietzsche
-Friedrich Nietzsche
Miscommunication: Happens Everywhere
Miscommunication happens to everyone at some point. The best thing to do is to have a little patience and, after straightening it all out, laugh about it.
Tip #21
The couple that travels together (without murdering one another), stays together.
A friend of mine once told me he would never marry someone unless he and his prospective partner could drive across the country together, because that's the only way he can tell if they truly get along.
While I'm all for seeing how relationships hold up in life's stress tests, I'm not a huge fan of road trips. I'm more into trains and airplanes, and I'd say they work just as well.
This works on the same principle as my advice to live together for a while before getting married. You need to understand what it will be like to spend days, weeks, months with each other before promising eternity. I could be cynical about marriage no longer equaling eternity but I still think it's not to be treated lightly.
Being stuck in each other's proximity for the length of a trip is a good way to get a feel for your partner's idiosyncrasies and patience limit, and it will allow you to realize whether you can live with them or not.
A friend of mine once told me he would never marry someone unless he and his prospective partner could drive across the country together, because that's the only way he can tell if they truly get along.
While I'm all for seeing how relationships hold up in life's stress tests, I'm not a huge fan of road trips. I'm more into trains and airplanes, and I'd say they work just as well.
This works on the same principle as my advice to live together for a while before getting married. You need to understand what it will be like to spend days, weeks, months with each other before promising eternity. I could be cynical about marriage no longer equaling eternity but I still think it's not to be treated lightly.
Being stuck in each other's proximity for the length of a trip is a good way to get a feel for your partner's idiosyncrasies and patience limit, and it will allow you to realize whether you can live with them or not.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Wisdom from Cracked
Cracked.com is one of my favourite websites. Not only do they make me laugh until I'm in tears, they also deliver some oddly informational articles. I love their ability to teach and entertain simultaneously.
Here's a great quote from 5 Widely Believed Dating Myths (Science Says Aren't True), one of their recent articles:
"A study of data collected from over a thousand unmarried young adults showed that men are actually more emotionally affected by relationship drama than women. They just don't show it. They're more likely to put on a brave face than post passive-aggressive Facebook statuses or complain about their significant other to their buddies. Meanwhile, they probably cry into their pillows at night after an argument with their girlfriend.
Researchers think it might be because girls generally have more close bonds with friends and family than men, so going through a rough spot with the boyfriend doesn't cut off their only outlet for emotional support. Guys, on the other hand, tend to confide only in their significant other. Emotionally, that means they have more at stake if things turn cold in the relationship."
There are a bunch of other dating-related articles that are definitely worth a read. Check them out:
6 Things Men Do To Get Laid That Science Says Turn Women Off
Enjoy!
Here's a great quote from 5 Widely Believed Dating Myths (Science Says Aren't True), one of their recent articles:
"A study of data collected from over a thousand unmarried young adults showed that men are actually more emotionally affected by relationship drama than women. They just don't show it. They're more likely to put on a brave face than post passive-aggressive Facebook statuses or complain about their significant other to their buddies. Meanwhile, they probably cry into their pillows at night after an argument with their girlfriend.
Researchers think it might be because girls generally have more close bonds with friends and family than men, so going through a rough spot with the boyfriend doesn't cut off their only outlet for emotional support. Guys, on the other hand, tend to confide only in their significant other. Emotionally, that means they have more at stake if things turn cold in the relationship."
There are a bunch of other dating-related articles that are definitely worth a read. Check them out:
6 Things Men Do To Get Laid That Science Says Turn Women Off
Enjoy!
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Tip #20
Your relationship should satisfy your genes and your brain.
Your genes will always tell you to locate a mate that will help you create the healthiest babies.
Seriously, your body is hyper-programmed for this. A man whose immune system is very different than yours will actually smell better to your nose because the combination of your opposing immune systems will create children with better immune systems.
That's all well and good but we no longer live in an age where healthy offspring is the only goal of a successful relationship. The average lifespan continues to get older, which means it's very likely your marriage is going to last a looooong time after your kids fly the coop. But your genes aren't thinking about that.
This is where your brain comes in!
While your genes are certainly just doing what they think is best for your survival, your brain might be more reliable when it comes to your happiness.
Perhaps your genes will write a guy off because he's below average height (taller men are more predisposed to success and confidence apparently) but after you get to know him, you realize he's the funniest, sweetest guy you've ever met. No need to let your primitive instinct for survival rule him out.
Then occasionally, your genes and your brain steer you in the same direction.
For example, your genes don't want you to sleep with the smelly guy because they don't want you to have unhealthy children who are less likely to survive to continue your bloodline. And your brain tells you that if he smells funny, he likely doesn't have very good hygiene or a very clean lifestyle.
Both your brain and your genes have ideas of what will make your relationship successful, so make sure to listen to both.
Your genes will always tell you to locate a mate that will help you create the healthiest babies.
Seriously, your body is hyper-programmed for this. A man whose immune system is very different than yours will actually smell better to your nose because the combination of your opposing immune systems will create children with better immune systems.
That's all well and good but we no longer live in an age where healthy offspring is the only goal of a successful relationship. The average lifespan continues to get older, which means it's very likely your marriage is going to last a looooong time after your kids fly the coop. But your genes aren't thinking about that.
This is where your brain comes in!
While your genes are certainly just doing what they think is best for your survival, your brain might be more reliable when it comes to your happiness.
Perhaps your genes will write a guy off because he's below average height (taller men are more predisposed to success and confidence apparently) but after you get to know him, you realize he's the funniest, sweetest guy you've ever met. No need to let your primitive instinct for survival rule him out.
Then occasionally, your genes and your brain steer you in the same direction.
For example, your genes don't want you to sleep with the smelly guy because they don't want you to have unhealthy children who are less likely to survive to continue your bloodline. And your brain tells you that if he smells funny, he likely doesn't have very good hygiene or a very clean lifestyle.
Both your brain and your genes have ideas of what will make your relationship successful, so make sure to listen to both.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Tip #19
Prioritize your relationship.
It's easy to fall into a routine and to assume that your relationship will wait for you.
I have a nasty habit of taking my relationship for granted sometimes. My effort and attention wanes, and then I find myself surprised when my relationship is suffering. Your relationship, like your job and your bills and your health, needs to be your number one priority sometimes.
A healthy relationship needs a steady supply of love, consideration, and time allotted just for it. A stretch of inattentiveness does a fair amount of damage and could lead to a teary fight or even the end of your relationship.
I suppose a relationship is much like a beloved pet dog. You wouldn't go a few weeks without feeding your dog or giving him exercise or paying attention to its well-being, right?
It's easy to fall into a routine and to assume that your relationship will wait for you.
I have a nasty habit of taking my relationship for granted sometimes. My effort and attention wanes, and then I find myself surprised when my relationship is suffering. Your relationship, like your job and your bills and your health, needs to be your number one priority sometimes.
A healthy relationship needs a steady supply of love, consideration, and time allotted just for it. A stretch of inattentiveness does a fair amount of damage and could lead to a teary fight or even the end of your relationship.
I suppose a relationship is much like a beloved pet dog. You wouldn't go a few weeks without feeding your dog or giving him exercise or paying attention to its well-being, right?
From the Fiance
My fiance recently fired off this relationship advice to a friend on Facebook and it's worth sharing:
"We can never ignore people's weaknesses, the only option we have is to hope to inspire them to take them on for their own sake. We can wish indefinitely for a new person to rise out of an existing one, or we can convince the other that it is not just our interest but also theirs to do so. If they do not believe us, either our perception is wrong or they are in denial of their weakness.
If you conclude your perception to be right in spite of the frustration, then you have to stand for yourself and remind the other as to what you know they are capable of, not simply remind them of your opposition to what they currently are.
People want to improve, but it is how we address each other's flaws to one another that either motivates or paralyzes us in regards to action."
"We can never ignore people's weaknesses, the only option we have is to hope to inspire them to take them on for their own sake. We can wish indefinitely for a new person to rise out of an existing one, or we can convince the other that it is not just our interest but also theirs to do so. If they do not believe us, either our perception is wrong or they are in denial of their weakness.
If you conclude your perception to be right in spite of the frustration, then you have to stand for yourself and remind the other as to what you know they are capable of, not simply remind them of your opposition to what they currently are.
People want to improve, but it is how we address each other's flaws to one another that either motivates or paralyzes us in regards to action."
Friday, July 16, 2010
Tip #18
Choose your Omens.
Romantic comedies love to have omens peppering relationships, harking in advance whether a couple is destined to doom or fail. If you'll remember the 2001 John Cusack movie Serendipity, the audience can tell Lars and Sara's relationship is doomed when the ring he proposes with doesn't fit on her finger.
Life does not work like this.
There are signs indicating a failing relationship, yes. But they're things like: she's become a different person since meeting him and isn't being true to herself or he's had to give up things he loves because she demanded it. These signs indicate a lack of chemistry between two people and are based in real conflicts.
If the ring doesn't fit your finger when he proposes, it's probably because he didn't know how to get your ring size from you without spoiling the surprise.
And if you somehow lose your engagement ring someday, it doesn't mean it's a sign your relationship will fail. Because your relationship should be based on more than goddamn symbolism.
Spending your entire relationship looking for omens to tell you whether your romance is doomed to fail or destined to last for eternity means you've forgotten that your relationship is in your hands. If you want your romance to last forever then you're going to have to work for it.
Let me be frank. If you're looking for mystical or God-sent omens to tell you if your relationship is doomed or destined, then you are avoiding the responsibility of your relationship.
Romantic comedies love to have omens peppering relationships, harking in advance whether a couple is destined to doom or fail. If you'll remember the 2001 John Cusack movie Serendipity, the audience can tell Lars and Sara's relationship is doomed when the ring he proposes with doesn't fit on her finger.
Life does not work like this.
There are signs indicating a failing relationship, yes. But they're things like: she's become a different person since meeting him and isn't being true to herself or he's had to give up things he loves because she demanded it. These signs indicate a lack of chemistry between two people and are based in real conflicts.
If the ring doesn't fit your finger when he proposes, it's probably because he didn't know how to get your ring size from you without spoiling the surprise.
And if you somehow lose your engagement ring someday, it doesn't mean it's a sign your relationship will fail. Because your relationship should be based on more than goddamn symbolism.
Spending your entire relationship looking for omens to tell you whether your romance is doomed to fail or destined to last for eternity means you've forgotten that your relationship is in your hands. If you want your romance to last forever then you're going to have to work for it.
Let me be frank. If you're looking for mystical or God-sent omens to tell you if your relationship is doomed or destined, then you are avoiding the responsibility of your relationship.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Monday, July 5, 2010
Tip #17
Take breaks from each other.
This isn't new advice. "Absence makes the heart grow fonder" has been stitched into little throw pillows and painted on quaint wooden signs for over a century. But the reason it's a common cliche is because it's true.
Take a vacation alone once in a while. Even if it's only a weekend. Giving yourself time to miss your partner is a great way to illuminate what you love about them and to allow trust to build.
Being apart for a bit also creates the opportunity for both partners to be full individuals and to experience the world alone. It certainly obviates any feelings of being trapped or restrained by your relationship.
And when you get back, you get to relearn each other and share stories with one another. Maybe the phrase should be: Little bursts of bonding spurred by a recent absence makes the relationship stronger.
This isn't new advice. "Absence makes the heart grow fonder" has been stitched into little throw pillows and painted on quaint wooden signs for over a century. But the reason it's a common cliche is because it's true.
Take a vacation alone once in a while. Even if it's only a weekend. Giving yourself time to miss your partner is a great way to illuminate what you love about them and to allow trust to build.
Being apart for a bit also creates the opportunity for both partners to be full individuals and to experience the world alone. It certainly obviates any feelings of being trapped or restrained by your relationship.
And when you get back, you get to relearn each other and share stories with one another. Maybe the phrase should be: Little bursts of bonding spurred by a recent absence makes the relationship stronger.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Tip #16
Live in sin.
Don't promise to love a person forever until you've lived with them for a year. I suggest moving in together with your partner before you get married. That way, you'll know exactly what you'll have to look forward to for the next 70 years.
It is very possible that although you may absolutely adore your partner when you're out on dates together, you'll hate his entire lifestyle. I have a long list of amazing friends I've known for years that I cannot, under any circumstances, live with in the same house for more than a week.
Marriages are not built on the love you feel for your partner when they're cleaned up and putting a good mood forward for your allotted time together. Marriages are built on the love that remains even when you're both unshowered and grouchy.
Get the free trial before you buy. Hopefully, this means you won't be scrambling for a refund later.
Don't promise to love a person forever until you've lived with them for a year. I suggest moving in together with your partner before you get married. That way, you'll know exactly what you'll have to look forward to for the next 70 years.
It is very possible that although you may absolutely adore your partner when you're out on dates together, you'll hate his entire lifestyle. I have a long list of amazing friends I've known for years that I cannot, under any circumstances, live with in the same house for more than a week.
Marriages are not built on the love you feel for your partner when they're cleaned up and putting a good mood forward for your allotted time together. Marriages are built on the love that remains even when you're both unshowered and grouchy.
Get the free trial before you buy. Hopefully, this means you won't be scrambling for a refund later.
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Tip #15
Be honest with your friends.
I learned recently that my best friend apparently "can't stand" my fiance and while I'm used to taking her brutal honesty with salt, the thing is, she wasn't honest.
My fiance accidentally read a text message from my best friend meant for another girl. To rub it in, she sent this message while hanging out and talking with my fiance.
For a girl who can tell me to my face that I look stupid or that I'm embarrassing her, I'm somewhat baffled and hurt by such a two-faced action. Why wouldn't she just talk to me about her issues with my fiance?
I've certainly done my best to be honest with her about my opinions on her romantic interests. I assumed I was receiving the same level of honesty in return and it's a little stunning that I wasn't.
While no one has the right to directly tell you who or who not to date, you should always be open to the opinions of friends and family. After all, those closest to you might have some good advice or a perspective that hadn't occurred to you.
It also brings you and your friend closer, as you get the chance to demonstrate to each other that your friendship will last through any romantic ventures (successful or failed).
I learned recently that my best friend apparently "can't stand" my fiance and while I'm used to taking her brutal honesty with salt, the thing is, she wasn't honest.
My fiance accidentally read a text message from my best friend meant for another girl. To rub it in, she sent this message while hanging out and talking with my fiance.
For a girl who can tell me to my face that I look stupid or that I'm embarrassing her, I'm somewhat baffled and hurt by such a two-faced action. Why wouldn't she just talk to me about her issues with my fiance?
I've certainly done my best to be honest with her about my opinions on her romantic interests. I assumed I was receiving the same level of honesty in return and it's a little stunning that I wasn't.
While no one has the right to directly tell you who or who not to date, you should always be open to the opinions of friends and family. After all, those closest to you might have some good advice or a perspective that hadn't occurred to you.
It also brings you and your friend closer, as you get the chance to demonstrate to each other that your friendship will last through any romantic ventures (successful or failed).
Friday, June 4, 2010
Tip #14
Agree on difference.
Some people claim that a couple need to have similar religious beliefs to be successful. Some claim it's similar child-rearing techniques, or tastes in breakfast food, or how to spend money, or books.
In my opinion, it's not the number of similarities or differences that culminates in a stable long-term relationship, it's if you and your partner have similar views on being different.
While having things in common with your partner is rarely detrimental, don't be lulled into thinking that similar tastes guarantee relationship harmony. Or the opposite, being drastically different people doesn't necessarily spell out doom for your coupledom.
The important thing is that you're both comfortable with certain differences.
For example, you could both have strong and very different religious beliefs but if you're both equally comfortable that your religions are different (and feel no need to convert the other), then there really isn't a reason you can't forge a strong relationship.
Besides, the great thing about differences is that you get to experience new things. Where would the fun be in dating someone who did everything you did?
Some people claim that a couple need to have similar religious beliefs to be successful. Some claim it's similar child-rearing techniques, or tastes in breakfast food, or how to spend money, or books.
In my opinion, it's not the number of similarities or differences that culminates in a stable long-term relationship, it's if you and your partner have similar views on being different.
While having things in common with your partner is rarely detrimental, don't be lulled into thinking that similar tastes guarantee relationship harmony. Or the opposite, being drastically different people doesn't necessarily spell out doom for your coupledom.
The important thing is that you're both comfortable with certain differences.
For example, you could both have strong and very different religious beliefs but if you're both equally comfortable that your religions are different (and feel no need to convert the other), then there really isn't a reason you can't forge a strong relationship.
Besides, the great thing about differences is that you get to experience new things. Where would the fun be in dating someone who did everything you did?
Thursday, June 3, 2010
"Getting married isn't like winning the Miss America Pageant; it doesn't all come down to the bathing suit competition."
-Melissa Bank, The Girl’s Guide to Hunting and Fishing
-Melissa Bank, The Girl’s Guide to Hunting and Fishing
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Tip #13
Take Your Time.
It often seems like women are impatient to get engaged when they're dating and then in a rush to have the wedding when they're engaged.
But if you truly intend to make your relationship a long-term one, there really doesn't need to be any urgency to tie the knot. Will it really make a difference if you get married in 3 years instead of one?
If you're worried that the will to get married will fade in 3 years, what do you think is going to happen to your will to BE married in 3 years?
Getting married should not be a goal. Not really. It should be a side-effect of a healthy long term relationship and the 'before' picture of that relationship should be as identical as possible to the 'after' picture.
I believe getting married doesn't change anything at the end of the day but your taxes.
It's tempting to believe that marriage will strengthen your relationship but in reality, if your relationship is weak to begin with, getting married will likely only exacerbate any problems. On the other hand, if your relationship is fairly stable to begin with, it won't really matter if you get married or not.
So take your time. No need to rush.
It often seems like women are impatient to get engaged when they're dating and then in a rush to have the wedding when they're engaged.
But if you truly intend to make your relationship a long-term one, there really doesn't need to be any urgency to tie the knot. Will it really make a difference if you get married in 3 years instead of one?
If you're worried that the will to get married will fade in 3 years, what do you think is going to happen to your will to BE married in 3 years?
Getting married should not be a goal. Not really. It should be a side-effect of a healthy long term relationship and the 'before' picture of that relationship should be as identical as possible to the 'after' picture.
I believe getting married doesn't change anything at the end of the day but your taxes.
It's tempting to believe that marriage will strengthen your relationship but in reality, if your relationship is weak to begin with, getting married will likely only exacerbate any problems. On the other hand, if your relationship is fairly stable to begin with, it won't really matter if you get married or not.
So take your time. No need to rush.
Monday, May 10, 2010
Keeping the Peace
I've been trolling through my long (loooooooooooong) list of favourited sites on Stumble Upon and discovered an old article on CNN.com called 10 Things to Say to Keep the Peace that was a source of some very simple but useful advice when dealing with lovers, friends, family, or mere acquaintances.
Here are a few of my favourites from the list:
Here are a few of my favourites from the list:
2. "Is this a good time for you?"
Whenever I want my husband's full attention for a conversation and I don't want to compete with a football game on TV, I ask this simple question. If he gives me a green light by saying yes (and turning off the game), I proceed. If he says no, I ask, "When would be a better time?" We then agree on another time and a fight is avoided. Consider using this line at work, too. Your boss and coworkers will appreciate it.
5. "I need your help. Can you please...?"
People often ask me what they can say to family members or coworkers who don't assume their share of responsibility. Here's my simple tip: Rather than accusing the person of being lazy or inconsiderate, ask her for what you want and be specific. "Since we both drink coffee, how about if I make the pot and you clean it, or vice versa?" People are not mind readers.
6. "Let's wait on this until we have more information."
Know when to table a discussion. One couple came to me with a dispute that had turned into a huge problem for them: They were constantly arguing over whether they should stay in their city apartment or move to a house in the suburbs. The issue wasn't which choice they should make (they had already agreed they wouldn't move for three years, or until their oldest child reached school age); it was that they were having a premature argument. At times like these, it's important to remind yourself and your conversation partner that it's too early to discuss the issue. Preferences will change over time, as will facts, such as home prices.
7. "What did you mean by that?"
Sometimes asking the right question is all it takes to avoid an argument. We all make assumptions about other people's intentions. Asked in a genuinely interested (and not passive-aggressive) way, this question allows your conversation partner to explain himself before you jump to conclusions. Only then should you offer your response.
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Tip #12
People can change.
TV dramas love to play up the myth that people never change but ask yourself this: Are you the same person you were five years ago? Ten?
Didn't think so.
People change all the time and all throughout their lives. They learn something new or they have an experience or someone asks something of them and it alters the way they approach reality. The problem lies in trying to change a person. It is possible. People better or worsen themselves every day after all. However, the only way change is permanent is if it is voluntary.
When I say it's possible to change someone, what I'm really saying is that it's possible to persuade them that changing is the best thing for them to do.
My fiance used to leave garbage just lying around. I used to reject trying any new hobby he suggested. He wasn't that concerned with cleanliness and I didn't like taking on new activities all the time. But now, he makes an effort to pick up after himself and I make an effort to give his suggestions a chance.
We changed for the other person in small ways and deep ways because we realized that the other person was worth more to us than sticking to a habit the other person took issue with. We don't change because we were demanded to, we changed because our relationship would ultimately be better for both of us if we did.
But forcing your partner to change will never work.
Attempts to force change leads to one of two results: Resentment that one partner doesn't accept the other for who he/she is. Or false change: a partner only changes to please the other and not out of any genuine wish to.
I've seen strong relationships crack in half due to such results.
If there is something about your partner you truly wish was different, first ask yourself a few questions:
However, I can change the way I perceive his playing them. I can control how much it bothers me and I can let it go.
TV dramas love to play up the myth that people never change but ask yourself this: Are you the same person you were five years ago? Ten?
Didn't think so.
People change all the time and all throughout their lives. They learn something new or they have an experience or someone asks something of them and it alters the way they approach reality. The problem lies in trying to change a person. It is possible. People better or worsen themselves every day after all. However, the only way change is permanent is if it is voluntary.
When I say it's possible to change someone, what I'm really saying is that it's possible to persuade them that changing is the best thing for them to do.
My fiance used to leave garbage just lying around. I used to reject trying any new hobby he suggested. He wasn't that concerned with cleanliness and I didn't like taking on new activities all the time. But now, he makes an effort to pick up after himself and I make an effort to give his suggestions a chance.
We changed for the other person in small ways and deep ways because we realized that the other person was worth more to us than sticking to a habit the other person took issue with. We don't change because we were demanded to, we changed because our relationship would ultimately be better for both of us if we did.
But forcing your partner to change will never work.
Attempts to force change leads to one of two results: Resentment that one partner doesn't accept the other for who he/she is. Or false change: a partner only changes to please the other and not out of any genuine wish to.
I've seen strong relationships crack in half due to such results.
If there is something about your partner you truly wish was different, first ask yourself a few questions:
- If I change this about my partner, will he/she be a fundamentally different person?
- If my partner asked me to change this about myself, how would I feel?
- Is it truly my partner who needs to change for me to be happy?
However, I can change the way I perceive his playing them. I can control how much it bothers me and I can let it go.
Friday, May 7, 2010
Advice in Real Time
A Friend's Text to Me:
My boyfriend's best friend just bitched him out about everything I ever wanted to bitch him out for. Since I agree with what was said to him, must I console him anyway? - confused
My Reply:
Ask him if he thinks there's any truth in what his friend said and go from there. Just be honest with how you feel. Even if it may cause a disagreement now, in the future your relationship will be stronger because of it.
My boyfriend's best friend just bitched him out about everything I ever wanted to bitch him out for. Since I agree with what was said to him, must I console him anyway? - confused
My Reply:
Ask him if he thinks there's any truth in what his friend said and go from there. Just be honest with how you feel. Even if it may cause a disagreement now, in the future your relationship will be stronger because of it.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Tip #11
Your partner is not psychic.
Unless they are. But I've never been in a relationship with a psychic and I have a theory that most people haven't. So let's assume you and your partner both have the standard human amount of telepathic abilities.
Have you noticed that that doesn't stop you from getting angry when he or she can't read your mind?
I've snapped at my lover for not understanding why I'm angry and then only been angered further when he asked me to tell him (he should know). Or I've been sullen and untalkative, and infuriated that he hasn't noticed that I'm upset (he should realize that my tone of voice means I'm not really "Fine"). We all know what happens next: accusations, victimization, yelling, and, of course, tears.
I blame Romantic Comedies for this one, since they are full of beautiful people in love who somehow magically knowing what each other truly wants and needs. And of course, when they don't, it's merely a plot point for an argument that will eventually get resolved when one of them magically does the exact right thing. (A la Paulie Bleeker somehow just knowing without being told when Juno is giving birth and running to her side)
Yeah...
I'm not saying that such occurrences don't happen in real life. They do. But OCCASIONALLY. That's what makes it so special when a friend or a lover gets you that perfect gift you didn't ask for--it wouldn't be special if there was some law of chance or physics that decreed we'd all know exactly the right thing to say or do all the time.
Although asking for what you want or what you need may not sound quite as magical and romantic, it's how relationships get built. The more you pay attention to each other and listen and communicate, the more likely it is that those intimate moments of knowing exactly what the other person wants will happen.
They're a product of previous communications, not magic.
Unless they are. But I've never been in a relationship with a psychic and I have a theory that most people haven't. So let's assume you and your partner both have the standard human amount of telepathic abilities.
Have you noticed that that doesn't stop you from getting angry when he or she can't read your mind?
I've snapped at my lover for not understanding why I'm angry and then only been angered further when he asked me to tell him (he should know). Or I've been sullen and untalkative, and infuriated that he hasn't noticed that I'm upset (he should realize that my tone of voice means I'm not really "Fine"). We all know what happens next: accusations, victimization, yelling, and, of course, tears.
I blame Romantic Comedies for this one, since they are full of beautiful people in love who somehow magically knowing what each other truly wants and needs. And of course, when they don't, it's merely a plot point for an argument that will eventually get resolved when one of them magically does the exact right thing. (A la Paulie Bleeker somehow just knowing without being told when Juno is giving birth and running to her side)
Yeah...
I'm not saying that such occurrences don't happen in real life. They do. But OCCASIONALLY. That's what makes it so special when a friend or a lover gets you that perfect gift you didn't ask for--it wouldn't be special if there was some law of chance or physics that decreed we'd all know exactly the right thing to say or do all the time.
Although asking for what you want or what you need may not sound quite as magical and romantic, it's how relationships get built. The more you pay attention to each other and listen and communicate, the more likely it is that those intimate moments of knowing exactly what the other person wants will happen.
They're a product of previous communications, not magic.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Tip #10
Your relationship is about the two of you. No one else.
"Nobody down the road has any right to apologize for something that happened in the past. This question comes up in the U.S. all the time. …(Like slavery,) it’s history. It’s all laid out. Why should anybody today apologize for anything that happened 150 years ago? It isn’t necessary. It’s giving somebody 150 years later a right to make this apology. No, they don’t have a right to make an apology."
-Morris ‘Dick’ Jeppson
Jeppson's perspective made me stop and think. I believe he's right. No one should be assigned to apologize for an entire country or an entire race or an entire gender. But just as importantly, no one should have to represent an entire country or race or gender to you.
I mentioned before about casting off stereotypical relationship roles because I believe for a relationship to work, it must be customized and personalized. Don't expect every girl you date to react in the same way when you bring her flowers. Don't presume your husband carries some of the blame for the patriarchal laws of the past. We can only be responsible for our own actions and only expect others to be responsible for theirs.
Judging a person by their gender or nationality or relationship role alone is a surefire way to sacrifice intimacy. If you lose sight of who the person your dating is and only focus on what that person is, you're in trouble. Because your relationship isn't between Ireland and the U.S. or between men and women, it's about you and your partner. That's all.
"Nobody down the road has any right to apologize for something that happened in the past. This question comes up in the U.S. all the time. …(Like slavery,) it’s history. It’s all laid out. Why should anybody today apologize for anything that happened 150 years ago? It isn’t necessary. It’s giving somebody 150 years later a right to make this apology. No, they don’t have a right to make an apology."
-Morris ‘Dick’ Jeppson
Jeppson's perspective made me stop and think. I believe he's right. No one should be assigned to apologize for an entire country or an entire race or an entire gender. But just as importantly, no one should have to represent an entire country or race or gender to you.
I mentioned before about casting off stereotypical relationship roles because I believe for a relationship to work, it must be customized and personalized. Don't expect every girl you date to react in the same way when you bring her flowers. Don't presume your husband carries some of the blame for the patriarchal laws of the past. We can only be responsible for our own actions and only expect others to be responsible for theirs.
Judging a person by their gender or nationality or relationship role alone is a surefire way to sacrifice intimacy. If you lose sight of who the person your dating is and only focus on what that person is, you're in trouble. Because your relationship isn't between Ireland and the U.S. or between men and women, it's about you and your partner. That's all.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Tip #9
Explore the root of your emotions.
No one likes being told that their emotions stem from anything except their true feelings--especially women with PMS. But the truth of the matter is sometimes your emotions have been tampered with and may not reflect who you truly are.
For example, I am a terrible human being if I'm hungry. If I miss a meal, not only am I bitchier, I'm stupider, more impatient, and often downright mean. It's actually embarrassing how quickly my entire attitude changes after a few bites to eat. Should I find myself with my stomach grumbling and my demeanor souring, I have two choices: force my fiance to accept every irrational mood swing as legitimate or realize that my bad mood is exclusively due to my hunger and that I'm probably not really as angry as I think I am.
By unearthing the root of my anger and sharing my findings with my fiance, we've avoided a lot of fights. He doesn't take my negative emotions seriously if I'm hungry and I don't take offense at his lack of empathy. More importantly, this understanding means the both of us take my true negative feelings seriously. On occasions when I'm honestly angry and not just hungry, I know he will listen.
This goes both ways, of course.
He has put time and effort into learning when my anger is legitimate and when he shouldn't be bothered by it and I owe it to him to do the same. Thanks to the honest exploration of why we feel what we feel, we have far fewer altercations over misunderstandings.
No one likes being told that their emotions stem from anything except their true feelings--especially women with PMS. But the truth of the matter is sometimes your emotions have been tampered with and may not reflect who you truly are.
For example, I am a terrible human being if I'm hungry. If I miss a meal, not only am I bitchier, I'm stupider, more impatient, and often downright mean. It's actually embarrassing how quickly my entire attitude changes after a few bites to eat. Should I find myself with my stomach grumbling and my demeanor souring, I have two choices: force my fiance to accept every irrational mood swing as legitimate or realize that my bad mood is exclusively due to my hunger and that I'm probably not really as angry as I think I am.
By unearthing the root of my anger and sharing my findings with my fiance, we've avoided a lot of fights. He doesn't take my negative emotions seriously if I'm hungry and I don't take offense at his lack of empathy. More importantly, this understanding means the both of us take my true negative feelings seriously. On occasions when I'm honestly angry and not just hungry, I know he will listen.
This goes both ways, of course.
He has put time and effort into learning when my anger is legitimate and when he shouldn't be bothered by it and I owe it to him to do the same. Thanks to the honest exploration of why we feel what we feel, we have far fewer altercations over misunderstandings.
Monday, March 15, 2010
Tip #8
A good sex life is more than good sex.
I'd wager that talking about sex is more important than actually having it. Talk before sex, talk after it, talk during it, talk about it when you're not even thinking about jumping into bed. The more comfortable you are talking about sex with your partner, the more comfortable you'll feel having sex with your partner.
That extends to porn too. I once read an article about a man who looks at internet porn being found out by his wife and all the ensuing drama (she feels he shouldn't need it, he doesn't think it's a big deal, yada yada yada)...but all I could think about was, "Had they really never discussed porn before?"
Welcome to 2010! Everyone of every gender and every sexuality and almost every age has access to internet pornography and you would be hard pressed to find someone who hasn't taken at least one little peek. Even your partner.
Being honest about porn habits will bring any couple closer together. And watching porn together is a fun bonding experience you won't want to forgo. ;)
I'd wager that talking about sex is more important than actually having it. Talk before sex, talk after it, talk during it, talk about it when you're not even thinking about jumping into bed. The more comfortable you are talking about sex with your partner, the more comfortable you'll feel having sex with your partner.
That extends to porn too. I once read an article about a man who looks at internet porn being found out by his wife and all the ensuing drama (she feels he shouldn't need it, he doesn't think it's a big deal, yada yada yada)...but all I could think about was, "Had they really never discussed porn before?"
Welcome to 2010! Everyone of every gender and every sexuality and almost every age has access to internet pornography and you would be hard pressed to find someone who hasn't taken at least one little peek. Even your partner.
Being honest about porn habits will bring any couple closer together. And watching porn together is a fun bonding experience you won't want to forgo. ;)
Friday, March 12, 2010
Tip #7
Ignore the roles.
It's very easy to get caught in the relationship roles you see in all over the media. The guy brings the girl flowers. The girl gets annoyed when the guy talks to other girls. The guy pays for dinner. The girl wants to get married.
Screw that. Buy him flowers for once. Don't get trapped into thinking relationship duties are divided into his and hers. Both partners need to be attentive, loving, and honest with themselves and each other, but aside from that, anything goes!
Being in a relationship should never mean changing who you are to fit the role of "girlfriend" or "husband."
It's very easy to get caught in the relationship roles you see in all over the media. The guy brings the girl flowers. The girl gets annoyed when the guy talks to other girls. The guy pays for dinner. The girl wants to get married.
Screw that. Buy him flowers for once. Don't get trapped into thinking relationship duties are divided into his and hers. Both partners need to be attentive, loving, and honest with themselves and each other, but aside from that, anything goes!
Being in a relationship should never mean changing who you are to fit the role of "girlfriend" or "husband."
Friday, February 26, 2010
Tip #6
Love isn't all you need. And that's OKAY.
"Aren’t you funny? Don’t you know that a man being rich is like a girl being pretty? You might not marry a girl because she’s pretty, but my goodness, doesn’t it help? And if you had a daughter, wouldn’t you rather she didn’t marry a poor man? You’d want her to have the most wonderful things in the world and be very happy. Oh, why is it wrong for ME to want those things?"
Part of the reason I'm so willing to spend the rest of my life with my fiance is because he has ambition. He intends to make money and to earn prestige, which is excellent as I plan to do the same thing.
"Aren’t you funny? Don’t you know that a man being rich is like a girl being pretty? You might not marry a girl because she’s pretty, but my goodness, doesn’t it help? And if you had a daughter, wouldn’t you rather she didn’t marry a poor man? You’d want her to have the most wonderful things in the world and be very happy. Oh, why is it wrong for ME to want those things?"
This is my favourite quote by Marilyn Monroe’s character Lorelei Lee in Gentlemen Prefer Blondes, which is one of my favourite movies. To date I’ve watched it in New York, New Jersey, Ireland, and India.
Marilyn hated being typecast as the dumb blonde in movies so when her character—who acts ditzy but is actually pretty clever—makes this speech at the end, it’s almost as though Marilyn herself is shining through and revealing the layers beneath her own appearance.
It also makes a damn good point. People are so often pigeon-holed as shallow for wanting to marry someone wealthy, but face the facts: if two men have the same personalities but one has a comfortable lifestyle and monetary security while the other doesn’t, Mr Steady Income IS more attractive.
I think it might be pervasive religious guilt that tells people not to take money into consideration when judging prospective partners, but in reality, money issues tear people apart. We all want to be taken care of and no one wants to tie themselves to dead weight.
How To Live Life as Taught By a Man With a Mercedes
The news this morning was all over the heavy snowfall and somehow managed to talk about it for an hour at least. They did interview a man who is my new hero however.
He was a handsome black man who was wearing a comfortable coat and a happy grin and he was standing in his black Mercedes with the top down. Snow was falling in large flakes around him. The reporter thought he was nuts for driving around like that in this weather and wondered if he cared about damaging the leather interior of his car.
Still smiling broadly, he said that he loved New York and he loved winter before laughing about how terrible the driving was. Then he glanced around his car, saying that you only live once and that he could always get the leather cleaned.
If we approached every day like he did, we’d all be doing just fine.
It’s the experiences that matter, not the pristine condition of your things. Love the little joys life gives you and you’ll never be short of happiness.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Book Review: Other People's Love Letters
Emotional voyeurism at its best. Other People’s Love Letters is a compilation of love letters that were written for and by people that you will likely never meet. Editor Bill Shapiro took the time to gather this collection of hysterical, tear jerking, heart wrenching and at times disturbing batch of love letters.There are letters from men, women, those who have just started dating, have been married for years and those who have lost love. The collection includes a letter from a man serving in Vietnam in 1969 to the love he has left behind, and a few from those who are just looking for a roll in the hay. Needless to say, it is a captivating emotional roller coaster – both sweet & scandalous. As one reader noted, “it’s a great way to remember how good love feels in the beginning and how sweet it can be after many years.”
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Tip #5
Be friends.
What makes an awesome friend? Someone who listens, someone who tells you like it is, someone you can laugh with, someone you can cry with, someone you can do nothing with and still have a good time. Why base your relationship on a different set of criteria?
Friendship is the secret ingredient to any healthy, long-lasting relationship. Neither you nor your significant other is likely to finish the race with looks and sex drive fully intact, so a romantic relationship clearly needs to have stronger foundations than the physical part.
Thus, friendship. Even if your sex life falls off a cliff, if you can laugh with your honey, you'll get through it.
What makes an awesome friend? Someone who listens, someone who tells you like it is, someone you can laugh with, someone you can cry with, someone you can do nothing with and still have a good time. Why base your relationship on a different set of criteria?
Friendship is the secret ingredient to any healthy, long-lasting relationship. Neither you nor your significant other is likely to finish the race with looks and sex drive fully intact, so a romantic relationship clearly needs to have stronger foundations than the physical part.
Thus, friendship. Even if your sex life falls off a cliff, if you can laugh with your honey, you'll get through it.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Tip #4
Exercise.
You heard me. Exercising makes you feel happy and confident, which makes you a better significant other. When you feel good about your body, you become more relaxed in bed and can just enjoy being naked together without having to drag body issues into the room.
Not too mention, you'll LOOK better. I'm not talking about needing to get skinny, I'm talking about leading an active lifestyle. Exercise keeps the weight off (shocker) and helps tone muscles, which means you won't only feel better about yourself, you will actually appear more attractive to other people (especially your sig other, who sees you sans dressing more than anyone).
On top of all the benefits of being in shape (confidence, happier moods, longer lifespan, etc), your partner will appreciate you putting the effort in to taking care of yourself. Nothing is sexier than watching your nude lover come towards you with confidence in him/herself.
BONUS: Exercise together. I dare you not to let all that sweating and grunting lead to sex.
You heard me. Exercising makes you feel happy and confident, which makes you a better significant other. When you feel good about your body, you become more relaxed in bed and can just enjoy being naked together without having to drag body issues into the room.
Not too mention, you'll LOOK better. I'm not talking about needing to get skinny, I'm talking about leading an active lifestyle. Exercise keeps the weight off (shocker) and helps tone muscles, which means you won't only feel better about yourself, you will actually appear more attractive to other people (especially your sig other, who sees you sans dressing more than anyone).
On top of all the benefits of being in shape (confidence, happier moods, longer lifespan, etc), your partner will appreciate you putting the effort in to taking care of yourself. Nothing is sexier than watching your nude lover come towards you with confidence in him/herself.
BONUS: Exercise together. I dare you not to let all that sweating and grunting lead to sex.
Monday, February 8, 2010
Tip #3
You don't always have to win.
Like most women in their twenties, I view myself as an independent diva who won't compromise what she wants or who she is.
Unfortunately, I decided that meant not doing anything my boyfriend-now-fiance asked of me. Whether it was seeing a certain movie or trying a certain sex move, if I even had an iota of reluctance, I immediately decided that saying OK was akin to giving in or losing. Why should I let him push me around?
Needless to say, he ended up pretty frustrated with me and I can see why; although I thought if I changed for him I was just another woman changing herself for a man, I had no qualms about demanding that he change for me. That's not equality of the sexes at all, is it?
Besides, nobody likes people who perpetually victimize themselves.
A successful relationship is a busy two-way street. Saying "Yes" or even "Okay, I'll try that" more has not only led me to expand my interests and push my limits, it has freed me to ask for what I want more honestly. And saying OK doesn't mean that I always end up enjoying myself. I don't like anal sex or playing video games, but I know it means a lot to him that I tried them at least once for his sake.
Even though I concluded I didn't really want to do those again, there is a level of trust now that allows us to look at each other and know that the other is genuinely willing to try something new or unfamiliar (or even scary) for our sake. That knowledge is worth a bit of boredom or discomfort.
DISCLAIMER: When trying something new at your lover's urging, be honest with yourself. If you hate it, at least now you know for sure. But more importantly, be open to liking it. Trying something new is a useless exercise if you decided beforehand that you would hate doing whatever was asked of you (regardless of whether you end up enjoying yourself or not).
DISCLAIMER #2: If your lover keeps asking you for something that you've tried and felt uncomfortable doing, put your foot down. He/she needs to accept that you gave it your best shot and respect your feelings...or he/she needs to hit the road.
Like most women in their twenties, I view myself as an independent diva who won't compromise what she wants or who she is.
Unfortunately, I decided that meant not doing anything my boyfriend-now-fiance asked of me. Whether it was seeing a certain movie or trying a certain sex move, if I even had an iota of reluctance, I immediately decided that saying OK was akin to giving in or losing. Why should I let him push me around?
Needless to say, he ended up pretty frustrated with me and I can see why; although I thought if I changed for him I was just another woman changing herself for a man, I had no qualms about demanding that he change for me. That's not equality of the sexes at all, is it?
Besides, nobody likes people who perpetually victimize themselves.
A successful relationship is a busy two-way street. Saying "Yes" or even "Okay, I'll try that" more has not only led me to expand my interests and push my limits, it has freed me to ask for what I want more honestly. And saying OK doesn't mean that I always end up enjoying myself. I don't like anal sex or playing video games, but I know it means a lot to him that I tried them at least once for his sake.
Even though I concluded I didn't really want to do those again, there is a level of trust now that allows us to look at each other and know that the other is genuinely willing to try something new or unfamiliar (or even scary) for our sake. That knowledge is worth a bit of boredom or discomfort.
DISCLAIMER: When trying something new at your lover's urging, be honest with yourself. If you hate it, at least now you know for sure. But more importantly, be open to liking it. Trying something new is a useless exercise if you decided beforehand that you would hate doing whatever was asked of you (regardless of whether you end up enjoying yourself or not).
DISCLAIMER #2: If your lover keeps asking you for something that you've tried and felt uncomfortable doing, put your foot down. He/she needs to accept that you gave it your best shot and respect your feelings...or he/she needs to hit the road.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Tip #2
Know the difference between sex and love.
Yes, the two usually go hand in hand, but it is too easy to mistake one for the other or to assume that one will lead to the other.
You can have fantastic sex without being downright in love with your partner and you can truly love your significant other with a nearly non-existent sex life. But if you don't love someone, having more sex isn't going to birth that emotion. And just because you and your neighbour have been head-over-heels in love for 5 years won't automatically make your sex life any good.
However, two people who love and trust each other will always end up having amazing sex if they communicate honestly about what they want and expect from the other person.
Yes, the two usually go hand in hand, but it is too easy to mistake one for the other or to assume that one will lead to the other.
You can have fantastic sex without being downright in love with your partner and you can truly love your significant other with a nearly non-existent sex life. But if you don't love someone, having more sex isn't going to birth that emotion. And just because you and your neighbour have been head-over-heels in love for 5 years won't automatically make your sex life any good.
However, two people who love and trust each other will always end up having amazing sex if they communicate honestly about what they want and expect from the other person.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Tip #1
Don't take it personally.
She forgot to call you. He would rather spend tonight alone. She just doesn't like to play video games. He really has no interest in watching her favourite tv show with her. Any and all of these are fine fodder for a fight.
But they don't have to be. Try to realize that just because you're with someone, it doesn't mean that every decision they make is going to concern you. My fiance was stressed tonight and decided to spend some me-time at home instead of coming over and sleeping at my place like he usually does. I could get upset and wonder if he really just didn't want to see me and maybe I did something wrong...or I could say, "No problem. Maybe I'll see you tomorrow."
After all, I have days when I want to be alone too.
She forgot to call you. He would rather spend tonight alone. She just doesn't like to play video games. He really has no interest in watching her favourite tv show with her. Any and all of these are fine fodder for a fight.
But they don't have to be. Try to realize that just because you're with someone, it doesn't mean that every decision they make is going to concern you. My fiance was stressed tonight and decided to spend some me-time at home instead of coming over and sleeping at my place like he usually does. I could get upset and wonder if he really just didn't want to see me and maybe I did something wrong...or I could say, "No problem. Maybe I'll see you tomorrow."
After all, I have days when I want to be alone too.
Standards
You could say I have pretty high standards. For my friends and especially for my lover.
I demand acute honesty and intend to return the favor in full. If you aren't going to be 100% honest about who you are and what you do with your significant other, then why even bother trying to make a long-term relationship work with them?
First and foremost, be honest with yourself about who you are. If you don't like something about yourself, change it or learn to like it. I find it impossible to respect people who do not respect or have confidence in themselves. If you don't love yourself, I'm certainly not going to go out of my way to.
I believe in self-sufficiency. Relationships don't complete anybody. If you fail to be a well-rounded individual on your own, you will NEVER find yourself in a healthy relationship. For any type of relationship to last and be fulfilling, two people have to work together. There is nothing more vexing than a friend who can't say no; it's a form of dishonesty. And so we come full circle, apparently.
I demand acute honesty and intend to return the favor in full. If you aren't going to be 100% honest about who you are and what you do with your significant other, then why even bother trying to make a long-term relationship work with them?
First and foremost, be honest with yourself about who you are. If you don't like something about yourself, change it or learn to like it. I find it impossible to respect people who do not respect or have confidence in themselves. If you don't love yourself, I'm certainly not going to go out of my way to.
I believe in self-sufficiency. Relationships don't complete anybody. If you fail to be a well-rounded individual on your own, you will NEVER find yourself in a healthy relationship. For any type of relationship to last and be fulfilling, two people have to work together. There is nothing more vexing than a friend who can't say no; it's a form of dishonesty. And so we come full circle, apparently.
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