Tip #3

You don't always have to win.

Like most women in their twenties, I view myself as an independent diva who won't compromise what she wants or who she is.

Unfortunately, I decided that meant not doing anything my boyfriend-now-fiance asked of me. Whether it was seeing a certain movie or trying a certain sex move, if I even had an iota of reluctance, I immediately decided that saying OK was akin to giving in or losing. Why should I let him push me around?

Needless to say, he ended up pretty frustrated with me and I can see why; although I thought if I changed for him I was just another woman changing herself for a man, I had no qualms about demanding that he change for me. That's not equality of the sexes at all, is it?

Besides, nobody likes people who perpetually victimize themselves.

A successful relationship is a busy two-way street. Saying "Yes" or even "Okay, I'll try that" more has not only led me to expand my interests and push my limits, it has freed me to ask for what I want more honestly. And saying OK doesn't mean that I always end up enjoying myself. I don't like anal sex or playing video games, but I know it means a lot to him that I tried them at least once for his sake.

Even though I concluded I didn't really want to do those again, there is a level of trust now that allows us to look at each other and know that the other is genuinely willing to try something new or unfamiliar (or even scary) for our sake. That knowledge is worth a bit of boredom or discomfort.

DISCLAIMER: When trying something new at your lover's urging, be honest with yourself. If you hate it, at least now you know for sure. But more importantly, be open to liking it. Trying something new is a useless exercise if you decided beforehand that you would hate doing whatever was asked of you (regardless of whether you end up enjoying yourself or not).

DISCLAIMER #2: If your lover keeps asking you for something that you've tried and felt uncomfortable doing, put your foot down. He/she needs to accept that you gave it your best shot and respect your feelings...or he/she needs to hit the road.

Tip #2

Know the difference between sex and love.

Yes, the two usually go hand in hand, but it is too easy to mistake one for the other or to assume that one will lead to the other.

You can have fantastic sex without being downright in love with your partner and you can truly love your significant other with a nearly non-existent sex life. But if you don't love someone, having more sex isn't going to birth that emotion. And just because you and your neighbour have been head-over-heels in love for 5 years won't automatically make your sex life any good.

However, two people who love and trust each other will always end up having amazing sex if they communicate honestly about what they want and expect from the other person.

Standards

You could say I have pretty high standards. For my friends and especially for my lover.

I demand acute honesty and intend to return the favor in full. If you aren't going to be 100% honest about who you are and what you do with your significant other, then why even bother trying to make a long-term relationship work with them?

First and foremost, be honest with yourself about who you are. If you don't like something about yourself, change it or learn to like it. I find it impossible to respect people who do not respect or have confidence in themselves. If you don't love yourself, I'm certainly not going to go out of my way to.

I believe in self-sufficiency. Relationships don't complete anybody. If you fail to be a well-rounded individual on your own, you will NEVER find yourself in a healthy relationship. For any type of relationship to last and be fulfilling, two people have to work together. There is nothing more vexing than a friend who can't say no; it's a form of dishonesty. And so we come full circle, apparently.