Your relationship should satisfy your genes and your brain.
Your genes will always tell you to locate a mate that will help you create the healthiest babies.
Seriously, your body is hyper-programmed for this. A man whose immune system is very different than yours will actually smell better to your nose because the combination of your opposing immune systems will create children with better immune systems.
That's all well and good but we no longer live in an age where healthy offspring is the only goal of a successful relationship. The average lifespan continues to get older, which means it's very likely your marriage is going to last a looooong time after your kids fly the coop. But your genes aren't thinking about that.
This is where your brain comes in!
While your genes are certainly just doing what they think is best for your survival, your brain might be more reliable when it comes to your happiness.
Perhaps your genes will write a guy off because he's below average height (taller men are more predisposed to success and confidence apparently) but after you get to know him, you realize he's the funniest, sweetest guy you've ever met. No need to let your primitive instinct for survival rule him out.
Then occasionally, your genes and your brain steer you in the same direction.
For example, your genes don't want you to sleep with the smelly guy because they don't want you to have unhealthy children who are less likely to survive to continue your bloodline. And your brain tells you that if he smells funny, he likely doesn't have very good hygiene or a very clean lifestyle.
Both your brain and your genes have ideas of what will make your relationship successful, so make sure to listen to both.
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Tip #19
Prioritize your relationship.
It's easy to fall into a routine and to assume that your relationship will wait for you.
I have a nasty habit of taking my relationship for granted sometimes. My effort and attention wanes, and then I find myself surprised when my relationship is suffering. Your relationship, like your job and your bills and your health, needs to be your number one priority sometimes.
A healthy relationship needs a steady supply of love, consideration, and time allotted just for it. A stretch of inattentiveness does a fair amount of damage and could lead to a teary fight or even the end of your relationship.
I suppose a relationship is much like a beloved pet dog. You wouldn't go a few weeks without feeding your dog or giving him exercise or paying attention to its well-being, right?
It's easy to fall into a routine and to assume that your relationship will wait for you.
I have a nasty habit of taking my relationship for granted sometimes. My effort and attention wanes, and then I find myself surprised when my relationship is suffering. Your relationship, like your job and your bills and your health, needs to be your number one priority sometimes.
A healthy relationship needs a steady supply of love, consideration, and time allotted just for it. A stretch of inattentiveness does a fair amount of damage and could lead to a teary fight or even the end of your relationship.
I suppose a relationship is much like a beloved pet dog. You wouldn't go a few weeks without feeding your dog or giving him exercise or paying attention to its well-being, right?
From the Fiance
My fiance recently fired off this relationship advice to a friend on Facebook and it's worth sharing:
"We can never ignore people's weaknesses, the only option we have is to hope to inspire them to take them on for their own sake. We can wish indefinitely for a new person to rise out of an existing one, or we can convince the other that it is not just our interest but also theirs to do so. If they do not believe us, either our perception is wrong or they are in denial of their weakness.
If you conclude your perception to be right in spite of the frustration, then you have to stand for yourself and remind the other as to what you know they are capable of, not simply remind them of your opposition to what they currently are.
People want to improve, but it is how we address each other's flaws to one another that either motivates or paralyzes us in regards to action."
"We can never ignore people's weaknesses, the only option we have is to hope to inspire them to take them on for their own sake. We can wish indefinitely for a new person to rise out of an existing one, or we can convince the other that it is not just our interest but also theirs to do so. If they do not believe us, either our perception is wrong or they are in denial of their weakness.
If you conclude your perception to be right in spite of the frustration, then you have to stand for yourself and remind the other as to what you know they are capable of, not simply remind them of your opposition to what they currently are.
People want to improve, but it is how we address each other's flaws to one another that either motivates or paralyzes us in regards to action."
Friday, July 16, 2010
Tip #18
Choose your Omens.
Romantic comedies love to have omens peppering relationships, harking in advance whether a couple is destined to doom or fail. If you'll remember the 2001 John Cusack movie Serendipity, the audience can tell Lars and Sara's relationship is doomed when the ring he proposes with doesn't fit on her finger.
Life does not work like this.
There are signs indicating a failing relationship, yes. But they're things like: she's become a different person since meeting him and isn't being true to herself or he's had to give up things he loves because she demanded it. These signs indicate a lack of chemistry between two people and are based in real conflicts.
If the ring doesn't fit your finger when he proposes, it's probably because he didn't know how to get your ring size from you without spoiling the surprise.
And if you somehow lose your engagement ring someday, it doesn't mean it's a sign your relationship will fail. Because your relationship should be based on more than goddamn symbolism.
Spending your entire relationship looking for omens to tell you whether your romance is doomed to fail or destined to last for eternity means you've forgotten that your relationship is in your hands. If you want your romance to last forever then you're going to have to work for it.
Let me be frank. If you're looking for mystical or God-sent omens to tell you if your relationship is doomed or destined, then you are avoiding the responsibility of your relationship.
Romantic comedies love to have omens peppering relationships, harking in advance whether a couple is destined to doom or fail. If you'll remember the 2001 John Cusack movie Serendipity, the audience can tell Lars and Sara's relationship is doomed when the ring he proposes with doesn't fit on her finger.
Life does not work like this.
There are signs indicating a failing relationship, yes. But they're things like: she's become a different person since meeting him and isn't being true to herself or he's had to give up things he loves because she demanded it. These signs indicate a lack of chemistry between two people and are based in real conflicts.
If the ring doesn't fit your finger when he proposes, it's probably because he didn't know how to get your ring size from you without spoiling the surprise.
And if you somehow lose your engagement ring someday, it doesn't mean it's a sign your relationship will fail. Because your relationship should be based on more than goddamn symbolism.
Spending your entire relationship looking for omens to tell you whether your romance is doomed to fail or destined to last for eternity means you've forgotten that your relationship is in your hands. If you want your romance to last forever then you're going to have to work for it.
Let me be frank. If you're looking for mystical or God-sent omens to tell you if your relationship is doomed or destined, then you are avoiding the responsibility of your relationship.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Monday, July 5, 2010
Tip #17
Take breaks from each other.
This isn't new advice. "Absence makes the heart grow fonder" has been stitched into little throw pillows and painted on quaint wooden signs for over a century. But the reason it's a common cliche is because it's true.
Take a vacation alone once in a while. Even if it's only a weekend. Giving yourself time to miss your partner is a great way to illuminate what you love about them and to allow trust to build.
Being apart for a bit also creates the opportunity for both partners to be full individuals and to experience the world alone. It certainly obviates any feelings of being trapped or restrained by your relationship.
And when you get back, you get to relearn each other and share stories with one another. Maybe the phrase should be: Little bursts of bonding spurred by a recent absence makes the relationship stronger.
This isn't new advice. "Absence makes the heart grow fonder" has been stitched into little throw pillows and painted on quaint wooden signs for over a century. But the reason it's a common cliche is because it's true.
Take a vacation alone once in a while. Even if it's only a weekend. Giving yourself time to miss your partner is a great way to illuminate what you love about them and to allow trust to build.
Being apart for a bit also creates the opportunity for both partners to be full individuals and to experience the world alone. It certainly obviates any feelings of being trapped or restrained by your relationship.
And when you get back, you get to relearn each other and share stories with one another. Maybe the phrase should be: Little bursts of bonding spurred by a recent absence makes the relationship stronger.
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