Tip #12

People can change.

TV dramas love to play up the myth that people never change but ask yourself this: Are you the same person you were five years ago? Ten?

Didn't think so.

People change all the time and all throughout their lives. They learn something new or they have an experience or someone asks something of them and it alters the way they approach reality. The problem lies in trying to change a person. It is possible. People better or worsen themselves every day after all. However, the only way change is permanent is if it is voluntary.

When I say it's possible to change someone, what I'm really saying is that it's possible to persuade them that changing is the best thing for them to do.

My fiance used to leave garbage just lying around. I used to reject trying any new hobby he suggested. He wasn't that concerned with cleanliness and I didn't like taking on new activities all the time. But now, he makes an effort to pick up after himself and I make an effort to give his suggestions a chance.

We changed for the other person in small ways and deep ways because we realized that the other person was worth more to us than sticking to a habit the other person took issue with. We don't change because we were demanded to, we changed because our relationship would ultimately be better for both of us if we did.

But forcing your partner to change will never work.

Attempts to force change leads to one of two results: Resentment that one partner doesn't accept the other for who he/she is. Or false change: a partner only changes to please the other and not out of any genuine wish to.

I've seen strong relationships crack in half due to such results.

If there is something about your partner you truly wish was different, first ask yourself a few questions:

• If I change this about my partner, will he/she be a fundamentally different person?

Asking your partner to change a part of themselves that they consider part of their identity tends not to end well. It's one thing to ask a person to try keeping a cleaner lifestyle, it's quite another to ask that they sacrifice their dream of becoming a lawyer because you disagree with it. If you need to make such drastic changes to the person you're dating, perhaps you're dating the wrong person.

• If my partner asked me to change this about myself, how would I feel?

If your answer is 'deeply hurt' or 'attacked' or 'appalled,' odds are he or she will feel the same way.

• Is it truly my partner who needs to change for me to be happy?

Or is it you? Be honest with yourself. When something about your partner bothers you, something may need to change, yes, but it may not be your partner. For example, my fiance loves video games and I find them a waste of time. But his playing them doesn't interfere with our relationship, so what right do I have to ask him to change?

However, I can change the way I perceive his playing them. I can control how much it bothers me and I can let it go.