Naked Unoriginality

Ok…

I liked Buffy the Vampire Slayer back when it wasn’t cool to be into vampires. And in the last few years, it’s become clear to me that popular vampire stories can have a myriad of plots but only one understanding of how relationships work.

Let’s recap.

We have THE GIRL…



















It doesn’t matter that Buffy is a confident, evil-fighting hero and that Bella is a needy dimwit without a personality; they both play the exact same role of THE GIRL.

They have something “special” about them that makes them different from every other girl and that causes vampires to treat them differently—Buffy is the Vampire Slayer, Sookie is a psychic, vampire powers don’t affect Bella, and Elena’s doppelganger is a centuries old evil vampire.

Then we have THE TORTURED SOUL…



















This is the vampire who believes loving THE GIRL is selfish and unfair to her. He spends much of his time brooding over his existence.

His relationship with THE GIRL will always, without fail, be a tug of war between feelings they can’t deny and pain. He always ends up hurting her but both will believe that theirs is true love anyway.

Then there’s THE OTHER SUPERNATURAL LOVE INTEREST…


















After THE TORTURED SOUL flees from THE GIRL for whatever reason (likely a desperate quest to brood over his sins), THE OTHER LOVE INTEREST will be there to tempt THE GIRL, who will inevitably keep both men in a limbo where she yanks both of them along.

THE OTHER SUPERNATURAL LOVE INTEREST always tends to be better for THE GIRL in some way, but it’s inevitable that she’ll choose THE TORTURED SOUL over him eventually.

Consequently, both THE TORTURED SOUL and THE OTHER SUPERNATURAL LOVE INTEREST become much more interesting people and characters when they’re not trailing after THE GIRL like whipped dogs.

And this entire cliched trope thrives all because girls consuming these stories want to close their eyes and pretend they’re THE GIRL and that two men—one dark but responsible, one loyal but wild—with hot looks that never fade will treat her like she’s the only girl in the world.

And this is what sells.

Come on, ladies. This fantasy was fun in high school but I think it’s time to grow up and build some real romantic relationships.

Wisdom from Scrubs

"Relationships don’t work the way they do on television and in the movies: Will they, won’t they, and then they finally do and they’re happy forever - gimme a break. Nine out of ten of them end because they weren’t right for each other to begin with, and half the ones that get married get divorced anyway. And I’m telling you right now, through all this stuff, I have not become a cynic, I haven’t. Yes, I do happen to believe that love is mainly about pushing chocolate-covered candies and, you know, in some cultures, a chicken. You can call me a sucker, I don’t care, ‘cause I do…believe in it. Bottom line…is the couples that are truly right for each other wade through the same crap as everybody else, but the big difference is, they don’t let it take ‘em down."

-Dr. Cox, Scrubs

Wisdom from Nietzsche

"It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages."

-Friedrich Nietzsche

Miscommunication: Happens Everywhere

Miscommunication happens to everyone at some point. The best thing to do is to have a little patience and, after straightening it all out, laugh about it.

Tip #21

The couple that travels together (without murdering one another), stays together.

A friend of mine once told me he would never marry someone unless he and his prospective partner could drive across the country together, because that's the only way he can tell if they truly get along.

While I'm all for seeing how relationships hold up in life's stress tests, I'm not a huge fan of road trips. I'm more into trains and airplanes, and I'd say they work just as well.

This works on the same principle as my advice to live together for a while before getting married. You need to understand what it will be like to spend days, weeks, months with each other before promising eternity. I could be cynical about marriage no longer equaling eternity but I still think it's not to be treated lightly.

Being stuck in each other's proximity for the length of a trip is a good way to get a feel for your partner's idiosyncrasies and patience limit, and it will allow you to realize whether you can live with them or not.

Wisdom from Cracked

Cracked.com is one of my favourite websites. Not only do they make me laugh until I'm in tears, they also deliver some oddly informational articles. I love their ability to teach and entertain simultaneously.

Here's a great quote from 5 Widely Believed Dating Myths (Science Says Aren't True), one of their recent articles:

"A study of data collected from over a thousand unmarried young adults showed that men are actually more emotionally affected by relationship drama than women. They just don't show it. They're more likely to put on a brave face than post passive-aggressive Facebook statuses or complain about their significant other to their buddies. Meanwhile, they probably cry into their pillows at night after an argument with their girlfriend.

Researchers think it might be because girls generally have more close bonds with friends and family than men, so going through a rough spot with the boyfriend doesn't cut off their only outlet for emotional support. Guys, on the other hand, tend to confide only in their significant other. Emotionally, that means they have more at stake if things turn cold in the relationship."

There are a bunch of other dating-related articles that are definitely worth a read. Check them out:

6 Things Men Do To Get Laid That Science Says Turn Women Off

6 Ways You Can (Accidently) Attract the Ladies

6 Sex Myths as Explained by Science

Enjoy!

Tip #20

Your relationship should satisfy your genes and your brain.

Your genes will always tell you to locate a mate that will help you create the healthiest babies.

Seriously, your body is hyper-programmed for this. A man whose immune system is very different than yours will actually smell better to your nose because the combination of your opposing immune systems will create children with better immune systems.

That's all well and good but we no longer live in an age where healthy offspring is the only goal of a successful relationship. The average lifespan continues to get older, which means it's very likely your marriage is going to last a looooong time after your kids fly the coop. But your genes aren't thinking about that.

This is where your brain comes in!

While your genes are certainly just doing what they think is best for your survival, your brain might be more reliable when it comes to your happiness.

Perhaps your genes will write a guy off because he's below average height (taller men are more predisposed to success and confidence apparently) but after you get to know him, you realize he's the funniest, sweetest guy you've ever met. No need to let your primitive instinct for survival rule him out.

Then occasionally, your genes and your brain steer you in the same direction.

For example, your genes don't want you to sleep with the smelly guy because they don't want you to have unhealthy children who are less likely to survive to continue your bloodline. And your brain tells you that if he smells funny, he likely doesn't have very good hygiene or a very clean lifestyle.

Both your brain and your genes have ideas of what will make your relationship successful, so make sure to listen to both.

Tip #19

Prioritize your relationship.

It's easy to fall into a routine and to assume that your relationship will wait for you.

I have a nasty habit of taking my relationship for granted sometimes. My effort and attention wanes, and then I find myself surprised when my relationship is suffering. Your relationship, like your job and your bills and your health, needs to be your number one priority sometimes.

A healthy relationship needs a steady supply of love, consideration, and time allotted just for it. A stretch of inattentiveness does a fair amount of damage and could lead to a teary fight or even the end of your relationship.

I suppose a relationship is much like a beloved pet dog. You wouldn't go a few weeks without feeding your dog or giving him exercise or paying attention to its well-being, right?

Wisdom from XKCD

From the Fiance

My fiance recently fired off this relationship advice to a friend on Facebook and it's worth sharing:

"We can never ignore people's weaknesses, the only option we have is to hope to inspire them to take them on for their own sake. We can wish indefinitely for a new person to rise out of an existing one, or we can convince the other that it is not just our interest but also theirs to do so. If they do not believe us, either our perception is wrong or they are in denial of their weakness.

If you conclude your perception to be right in spite of the frustration, then you have to stand for yourself and remind the other as to what you know they are capable of, not simply remind them of your opposition to what they currently are.

People want to improve, but it is how we address each other's flaws to one another that either motivates or paralyzes us in regards to action."